


Thyself

by Figureitoutbruh



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, jearmin - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Stripper/Exotic Dancer, Bisexuality, Clubbing, F/M, Gay, Gen, Jearmin - Freeform, Jearmin Week, LGBTQ Character, M/M, Male Slash, Multi, Other, Please Don't Hate Me, Strip Tease, Strippers & Strip Clubs, Trans Male Character, Transgender, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-12
Updated: 2015-04-07
Packaged: 2018-03-11 23:01:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 39,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3335999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Figureitoutbruh/pseuds/Figureitoutbruh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean is the high school outcast who stumbles upon a job behind the scenes at a popular gay club. He runs into some familiar faces and that starts making life complicated really quick.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Peacock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean gets not only a new job but gets his world flipped upside down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! This is my brain child from one too many nights out with crazy friends. Forgive all the errors I'm seeing ;-_- I'm sorting them out!  
> I so need a beta reader!  
> My [tumblr](http://figureitoutbruh.tumblr.com/) . Comments and questions are love.

I am kind of the epitome of reject. Don’t get me wrong, I have a couple of friends but they are just as messed up as me. That’s actually kind of a bonus because they just get it, you know? It’s not like you can’t tell by looking at me that I have issues. Like right now, at this table I am clearly a sore thumb. People stare, and I totally get that. I mean hell, I’d stare. I’m tall, thin and my hair is buzzed shorter in an undercut that fades to an almost silver tone on top. You could fit bottle caps in my ear lobes. I have over ten piercings of which only my ears, a small dermal under my right eye and tongue are visible. Black on black with hints of grey make up my closet, mostly really I just wear band shirts from tours and skin tight pants.

Ask any kids that go to Trost Academy who Jean Kirstein is and they will look up as if straining their mind and eventually offer up “That punk rock guy that gets in too many fights, right?” It’s a reputation years in the making honestly. To most people’s surprise I am in the top ten of my class. We all sit together because, well… we just do. None of them know my favorite color or zodiac sign. Except maybe Connie. He’s usually at my house and we do things together but we don’t ever really talk. It’s more of a head shots in halo relationship than a heart to heart over coffee thing. I think it’s just because we have classes together half the time and through years of group projects and field trips they have bonded. Noticed I said they. I’m kind of a permanent outsider. I don’t really try to be, I’m just a natural observer. And a natural asshole. I have been told numerous times I have no filter and I am insensitive and too vocal about my opinions. They are four hundred percent correct.

I’m a tool. A douche. A jerk. But hey, know thyself, right?

We are seniors now, at a swanky private school in the city of Sina. The table is one of those rectangle ones that have those plastic discs for seats and just always manage to kill your back. It’s the end of lunch and I’m dying for a cigarette as I watch everyone laugh and talk. It’s comfortable, seeing them happy. To my left is Connie, he’s doing some impression which requires a leg on the table and growling. My friends are colorful to say the least. Connie is one of them. The other is Ymir, a tall bitchy girl with a major lady boner for Christa, the student body president. Ymir is kind of a sillier female version of me. She’s way more social though. And a total jock, I mean volleyball, soccer, basketball…you name it, she’s been there and gotten trophies. I guess us sarcastic and stand offish outcasts have to stick together. Not going to lie, on the worse day of my life during freshman year Ymir was the one to hold me. I mean that full arms, face in what little boobs she has and hands in my hair way as she whispered support and full on just enveloped me. We banter like we hate each other but there’s a respect and deep silence behind our gaze that just is there. I can’t explain it really. She just knows, without saying.

“Are you gonna eat that?” I hear and turn to see Sasha, the resident stoner chick eyeing my baked beans. I laugh at her lustful gaze and slide my tray over. Sasha always reminded me of a super friendly dog. Not in a demeaning way or anything. I can visualize her auburn ponytail wagging at the sight of any friendly person or meal. Plus she will really just stare into your soul while you eat until you offer her some. God help us all when she’s out of weed and ADHD meds. She is insanely hyper and the queen of pranks. I still remember when she and Connie decided to spread butter over my floor and watch as I busted my ass. They even laughed driving me to the emergency room with three broken toes.

The rest of my friends, I didn’t know much about. I hadn’t hung out with anyone else one on one. I always appreciated Christa’s kindness. Reiner was a total good guy, like super helpful and kind of terrifying at the same time because he had the body mass of a terminator. Then the little dude that always hung out with that asshat Yaeger was usually pretty solid. Armin was the usual designated driver and the one who saved all of our asses during finals. Everything out of the kid’s mouth was just so fucking sound. His advice was flawless and he was so supportive. It was almost enough to make you sick at times, you know? I’d have to say if there was an opposite of me, it would be Armin. Like I’m the black and he’s the white and all of our other friends fit in somewhere in that grey area.

I gaze over and he’s laughing at Connie and tapping a pencil on a notebook. Today his blonde hair is pulled back on his head in a little bun. It looks an awful lot like the little donut holes they try to sell in cups by the coffee line. The dress code here was relative. People gave Armin shit for his hair, he’s was a scholarship student so he had to toe the line. Since dear old dad paid for the new gym expansion I was simply given a pass. I don’t know why but as I looked at that little bun of hair and ran my tongue ring against my teeth I felt almost guilty for getting by with murder around here. Almost. Remember, I’m a jerk?

“Oh, is Jean-Boy going to grace us with some conversation today?” I hear Eren Jaeger’s voice and roll my eyes. He was Armin’s best friend and must have mistaken my stare at the blonde as interest in whatever bullshit he was spewing. All eyes turned to me and part of my stomach turned. I looked down for a second then realized my ego wouldn’t let me not one up this brat. “Depends, are you gracing us with something besides talking about yourself for once?” I saw Eren’s mouth gape open and shut again like a fish. I then saw a red scarf lean into view and mentally cursed. His adopted sister, Mikasa could kick my ass any day, I took the warning and flashed a ‘just kidding, man’ smile with total insincerity.

A small taste of awkward filled the air. Eren and I had been known to butt heads a few times. It had never failed that someone, somehow diffused the situation before it came to blows. People babied Eren because his mom died in a house fire and apparently he had issues. Well, my mom’s dead too and you don’t see me fucking whining about it and getting pity.

“What was your face book post about Jean? The one about a new job?” Christa’s voice broke the silence, changed the subject and peeked everyone’s gossipy little interests all at the same time. God bless that little cherub. Looking at her soft smile and light blue eyes and felt a pain of sympathy for Ymir. Anyone could love Christa.

“I’m the house DJ for some club downtown.” I say nonchalantly. Everyone knows I’m a music fiend. Well, they should anyway. Armin’s head snapped up. “Oh really? That’s great! Which club?” He asked and I bit my lip. Should I tell them? Hell no! Of course I’m not. Wings of Freedom was a private dance club and lounge. It was a gay bar. I mean, that didn’t bother me in the least. The owners where hella crazy and ran the last guy off. I actually got contacted online for it and had yet to see the place. But it was better than working at some fast food joint. “The Garrison!” I say, since I know it’s a twenty one and over bar and no one will expect to run into me there. They can’t really catch me in the lie because as far as I know only Ymir is gay and no one is old enough to get into The Garrison. It seemed like a perfect lie at the time.

Eren, Armin and Mikasa all looked at each other and for a second I thought they were making fun of me or something. I shrug it off and nod politely to congratulations and high fives. “I actually start tonight. So I’m pretty stoked.” I even got a literal pat on the back from Connie. The anxiety hit me that I know jack shit about this bar. I mean it had to be decent…right? I pulled out my phone and googled like my life depended on it.

The address, some reviews and a website popped up. I clicked the reviews. Three stars were good, wasn’t it? I let my eyes skim and was conflicted. It ranged from “I had the best night of my life!” To “The bar tender is terrible. The music is mediocre and I literally got my nose broken in the alley. Avoid this place.” I couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow. I clicked the official site and saw a logo of two crossing wings, one white, one rainbow that was made up of smaller rectangles. It was kinda cool looking to be honest. I read the description and immediately felt my gut plummet like I was on a roller coaster.

“Trost’s pioneer LGBT club complete with two stories, two bars and a hookah lounge. Upstairs is the karaoke lounge and billiards; down stairs is the dance floor and stage. We have exotic dancers and host a weekly DNR. Nationally rated and a proud supporter of PRIDE in Trost we also host benefits for HIV/AIDs research and domestic abuse. Membership is…” What the hell was this? Hookah?! Strippers?! Benefit banquets? And I have zero clues what DNR stands for. I decided to check out what was going on tonight by clicking the calendar. All it said was The Captain, DNR, free drink with donation to food bank.

My lips pursed out to the side like some haphazard kiss. This would be an adventure for sure. There really was no point in worrying though. I’d already signed up. I just put it out of my mind and tried to wrap my head around course work. This wasn’t really hard considering we were covering a unit on astrology that was beginning to lean into astrophysics and that just made my brain hurt. Of course I would feel out of place and nervous. But that was me most of the time anyway, so why not at least broaden my horizons and get some experience in as a DJ while putting back some cash. Honestly I didn’t need the money. I could just ask my dad but that would require talking to him, which I avoided at all cost. So this was independence for me as well as a chance to be doing something I love. It sounds like a win - win situation.

The day dragged on, I was kind of on autopilot with my brain running and imaging scenario’s both good and bad. Maybe a few had a healthy dose of horrific. Once I pulled my Lexus into the drive I ran upstairs and looked at myself as I lit a cigarette in the mirror. There I stood in my pale, lanky six foot glory. And by glory I mean mildly manorexic and self-loathing with a big serving of body modifications. I was glaring at myself like it was a Wild West showdown. My eyes flicked over to my closet that I hadn’t bothered closing this morning. I kind of had my clothes down to a personal uniform, but there was still an uncertainty of what incarnation to choose. I laid out grey skinny jeans with studs down the side hem. White leather doc martins were an easy choice. Consciously I was trying to stay away from black. Playing the role of Goth kid up to an eleven was fun to piss my dad off but tonight I’d be meeting my new boss. I chose a tank top with huge swoops cut out of the side. You could see most of my upper body but damn I knew enough to anticipate some heat. I slid the pants I was wearing off and the new ones all on as I set my cigarette on my dresser in the ash tray. I looked in the mirror, it was a bit better. I turned to the side and my nipple peeked, revealing a barbell. My pants were slung low and the shine from the diamonds nestled in the skin on my hips caught my eye. I sighed and tugged on a black cardigan with white trim. I could always take it off if I got hot.

People always asked why I didn’t have tattoos. I don’t have a good answer, really. I know what I want my first one to be, I just haven’t gotten it yet. The idea of a tattoo just seemed so permanent and big. I wasn’t scared of the pain. Not in the slightest. In fact, I kind of liked the idea of hurting for the sake of looking better and it was a bit of a thrill. But I could ditch the studs and barbells super easy and never have to look at them again. I nodded to myself in the mirror. Kind of nerdy, but in that hipster way that was acceptable. Grabbing my keys and a protein shake I was off to the club.

It was tucked behind a car dealership and it looked kind of classic. Like it belonged around an old town square that usually surrounded a city hall or fountain. It was a brick building with that rain bow wings logo above the door. I parked across the street in a large gravel expanse that had to be the parking lot. I noted a fire escape up the side of the building. That must be the lounge area with the pool tables and karaoke set up. Walking to the main door and knocking I was suddenly aware that it was only seven. I was thirty minutes early. I stood for a second, my bag with my laptop and external hard drive full of music clung a little too tight to me.

The door opened to reveal a woman with a high brown pony tail and glasses. She smiled widely at me and extended her hand. “You must be Jean! I loved your you tube stuff. We are so glad to have you trying us out tonight!” Her smile seemed genuine. My hand ran through my hair as I smiled and nodded. A voice boomed over the speakers.

“Zoe, Lets show him around and let him set up. I still have to take inventory before setting Levi and Mike up.” I turned to see a tall, wide severe looking blonde man with a side part and major eyebrow game. He set the mic down and sauntered over, shaking my hand. “I’m Erwin, the owner. This is Zoe, she’s the manager and jello shot girl.” He said and Zoe leaned back in and smiled waving with wiggling fingers that made me smirk like a fool.

“I’m Jean, I can DJ and run effects and stuff pretty well.” I extended my hand and Erwin shook it eagerly with a firm grip. My eyes looked around. There was a wide dance floor in the middle. To the left were low tables and a wall of mirrors. The right held a long bar, long enough for two to three bartenders. There was a loft over that. I kinda guessed that’s where my booth would be. It overlooked the stage at the far end of the building well. I saw it was a low stage, maybe five inches above the dance floor. There was a single gleaming stripper pole that suck out like an a bomb. This was the real deal huh? This was totally happening.

I, Jean Kirstein would see my first exotic dance tonight. And probably so much more.

The tour was quick and no none sense, much like Erwin himself. Zoe bobbed around quietly, lingering. We made our way up the stairs and to my loft. I almost came in my pants. A full sound board, smoke machine, light board and apple desktop made me have a techgasim. I was maybe eight feet in the air and overlooking the stage. I saw there was a TV on the wall of mirrors and over the bar. It struck me as slightly odd. Erwin gestured to the large leather rolling chair and I sat, savoring the feeling of sinking into it. I totally felt like Captain Kirk.

“We start the night with low key music. Then Levi comes on, since its DNR night we do the first round, take a break for drinks and maybe one or two dance tracks then throw back into it. After the second set of shows, it’s just dancing. We have the play list picked out. Just until you get the vibe of the place.” I nodded, thinking it made sense. I tried not to question what DNR meant or who Levi was. Looking up I gave a slack thumbs up and raised an eyebrow at the computer. “May I?” I asked and he shrugged. A loud splash was heard and I saw a mop bucket spill across the stage.

“ERWIN! This shit isn’t clean! Do you want me to catch something from this nasty ass floor? Dear God I can imagine who’s been on that pole since me!” A deep voice boomed from below. Erwin rolled his eyes and crumpled with a sigh. He looked at me with a kind, but tired smile and said “Zoe will show you the ropes.” He patted Zoe on the back and headed down the stairs.

She showed me the log in codes, where tonight’s play list was in iTunes and there was another program I had no clue about. “This play list with tonight’s date is for the show. You will open DanceDance, the one right here-” She said and double clicked. A small screen appeared with a music video playing. I saw it came on the TV. “We like playing the dance stuff because the people who aren’t feeling dancey can just enjoy watching.” I noticed there was a small black bar that was empty off to the side.

“What’s that?” I asked touching the screen. Zoe smiled a devilish grin and pulled out here phone. Suddenly text showed up and I looked to read it.

_**8362:** HI! This is our anonymous text app. Great way for the ppl to flirt ;]_

I laughed out loud. “That’s awesome!” Zoe sat up on her hands and looked eager. “Thank you! I designed it. It’s given us so much business. You see it uses the last four digits of your phone number as a username. You text the number and your message gets shown to the whole bar. I call it flirt-o-gram.” I was impressed and it showed on my face. Zoe blushed with pure cheer and I knew instantly I liked her. She was bubbly and obviously super smart.

“So I follow this outline-” I said pointing to the paper. “Switching between DanceDance and iTunes…Simple enough.” My voice sounded more confident than I was. I felt like Zoe and I were being pretty open. My bravery peeked and I let the words fumble out. “What does DNR stand for?” She tilted her head like she couldn’t quite grasp what I was saying.

“Drag night review…you know like drag queens performing…?” Damn my face. Damn my face to sulfur filled pits of burning hell. My jaw went slack and my eyes grew wide. I was just as astonished as I looked, trust me. Zoe fucking looked like she’d seen a puppy. Her eyes shined and she brought her hands under her chin and kicked her feet like an ecstatic little girl. “Aww you’ve never seen a drag show?!” She said and gasped. “I bet you’ve never seen a dancer!” Then she shot up, standing and next thing I knew she was in my face. “Are you a virgin too, Jean Kirstein?!” Once again… My. Face. Fucking. Sucks. I blushed massively and wheeled myself back, throwing my hands up and stammering in protest. The bitch hits her back, grabbing her gut laughing. She got up on her knees and put her chin on my legs, pulling me back to her as she smiled and chuckled. “It’s okay sweetie. You’re in for a treat tonight! Just try not to have a heart attack up here, okay? You’ll do fine darling!” She said and stood up, waiving with those damn wiggly fingers as she walked away.

  
Now that I felt like a total loser, fish out of water and sexually inexperienced dweeb I kinda just ran through the software and pieced together my bruised up ego. I sighed and dug a snickers from my bag and munched angrily as I made sure that the programs were open and running smoothly. I acquainted myself with the spotlight, fog machine and lights. I actually got pretty caught up in it. I couldn’t help but think of the Phantom of the Opera and feel like a badass. I would be the face behind the magic, you know?

Erwin’s voice came over the speakers. “Alright doors are open. Lace up kids!” I peeked over and saw a handful of people. A red haired girl in a small white dress, a scruffy long haired blonde dude already nursing a beer. Erwin stood in the middle. Zoe was changed into a literal playboy bunny outfit. She had a silver platter of jello shots already lined up. There was short, rather cranky looking guy in a leather jacket. Dark hair and harsh hand gestures kinda made me think he was the source of the temper tantrum earlier. They all nodded and went separate ways. Erwin went to what I assume was the office. The red head and the scruffy guy slid behind the bar and cranky pants went back stage. I watched as people filed in and hit the enter key, starting a low hum of music. Zoe immediately began hugging people and chit chatting.

Honestly I don’t know what I was expecting but these people seemed to like, know each other. The only clubs I went to seemed totally anonymous and just used for hook ups and drunken nights. The people here were friends. The songs were rhythmic but really they were low enough to allow conversation. People came in pairs or groups and talked, hugging and showing off outfits. It seemed like they had a ton of regulars. The music videos played on the TV, and suddenly messages appeared on the black scrolling bar.

_**5738:** Glad to see you bitches again! Missed every single one of you skanks._

_**8823:** Here with the love of my life  <3 Ready to throw some dollar bills!_

_**5320:** Zoe, back table NOW I need some SHOOOOOTS!!_

I smiled as I looked down on the people. Feeling instantly comfortable here. It was like the lunch table without those pain in the ass seats. I was on the outside, yet in control. Observing and calling shots. It was intoxicating, even without the music and money. I saw some customers light up and decided to take out my own pack, lighting my menthol and taking a drag as I slid my cardigan off.

Nicki Minaj was playing, that was my cue to switch to iTunes, and I looked at the set list and saw the way the next little while would play out.

_Zoe- Welcome_  
 _Levi- One for the money_  
 _Levi- Outro_  
 _Peacock_

Simple enough, remember Jean? When the synth filled song came to a stop Zoe, in her bunny eared cuteness took the stage with a mic. I aimed the light on her and she bowed. The crowd whistled eagerly. “How are all of my beautiful people doing tonight?!” She said with her arms up dramatically. They erupted into claps and yells. She shook her head, looking displeased. Placing her hands on her hips like a scolding mother she said “Is this my lovely band of misfits and sexy ass trouble makers? I don’t think so!” Laughs and hoots rang out. I was entranced. She was working a room of easily a hundred people just as easily as she waved me in. I’d be terrified out there. Zoe looked to the bar. “Mike, did you run off all of my friends again?” A low voice replied. “They should have tipped better!” I even had to laugh at that. So it was a running joke that mike was a jerk. “Let’s try this again, because The Captain is back there all oiled up and so fucking scrumptious, how are you tonight?!”

The crowd roared. People hurried to move chairs to the outside of the dance floor and Jean saw a red scarf that caught his gaze. Mikasa! She stood next to Eren who was sitting in a chair right by the stage. With him were Reiner and Ymir.

Fuck, Fuck. Fuckity fucking fuck my life fuckers. I sauntered down a bit. So I was hiding. Sue me, I didn’t want my friends to know I worked at a gay bar. I saw Zoe glance up at me as she spoke. “And now, you dirty little perverts, please prepare your dollars and hide your hard on’s because the one and only Captain Levi is here, not because he gives two fucks about your pleasure but to make some damn MONEY!”

I hit the key on beat and the drums filled the air in a very rock and roll way. I recognized the tune immediately. Escape the fate’s one for the money. They stood up, ready and out came the cranky short guy in nothing but leather straps. They wound around his legs against soft white pants. He was shirtless and damn was the guy ripped. His lean frame made his six pack stand out more. He swayed and rocked his hips as he ran his hands down his own body. Levi’s face shot up dramatically. He ran along the edge of the stage throwing his hands up in the universal symbol for ‘get louder mother fuckers.” I saw everyone stand and he hopped off the stage and shoved a helpless girl back into her chair, pressing her forehead back with a finger. I blushed for the poor girl until she shamelessly slid a dollar down her shirt. He let his hand slide down her neck in such a sexual way I felt chills on my arms from empathy or hormones, I’m not sure which. He graced the top of her breasts and snatched the bill. It was a fifty, not a dollar. He slid leather suspenders down with a knowing stare.

Levi turned and twisted and the song counted _its one, one for the money_ he held a lone finger up. _Two, because two is for the show._ Two fingers now and he lowered them and pointed them at Eren. Holy shit! Eren was blushing and looked like he was in a trance. _It’s three, are you ready mother fuckers? Are you ready?_   I admit, I was relishing the look on Eren’s face as Levi grabbed him roughly by the back of his head, fist full of hair and dragged him to the chair the girl had been in. _Let’s go!_   Levi slammed Eren’s ass in the chair and got over him as the guitar solo shredded and grinded him so shamelessly it was making my mouth dry. I could literally see Eren’s pants tented up. I looked to see Mikasa, Reiner and Ymir cheering and taking pictures. Dollars where literally raining over them. Levi leaned back and put his boot clad foot on the chair between Eren’s legs and gave him a gaze that was half glare, half fuck me now. Did he wink? No way! Eren was beet red and his hair was disheveled. Levi kicked and slid Eren back at least three feet. Levi smirked turning around and walking off like he gave zero fucks.

Straps hung loose and began being shed one after another as Levi spun on the pole, his muscles flexing with effort. At one point he was perfectly horizontal, his legs fake walking in the air as his arms held all of his weight and he spun. The dude was seriously athletic. The song wound down just in time as he was in a small pair of snug underwear. The bastard didn’t even bow, he just shrugged. I guess that’s part of his charm in a kind of BDSM way. The whole cold hearted aloof thing was obviously working for him. Zoe handed him the mic and a voice deeper than I expected came over.

“Thanks for the fun, boys and girls.” He said and the crowd roared. I know why. He was good! I mean, I had nothing to compare it to but hell I can’t imagine someone getting that reaction any quicker. “Do you guys want to see something a bit cuter?” He said and looked to Zoe who had produced her own mic. “Oh I think they do. We can only handle so much of you, Levi you sexy jackass.” She said giving a knowing gaze and Levi shrugged. “I’m gonna go shower all of your sweat off of me. Have fun picturing it you sick fucks.” He said and walked off. Just like that, he left them all panting and wanting more.

Zoe stepped into the light, fanning herself. “How about that, boys and girls?!” She asked and everyone yelled again. “Why don’t we bring out our sexy, adorable little five foot even blonde bundle of kawaii?!” Eren, Mikasa, Reiner and Ymir stood and screamed like they were going to die. The overall reaction was less than for Levi, but it was obvious there were some diehard fans here for whoever this was. Reiner was fist pumping, all of the sudden Jean saw Christa on his shoulders lifted up to get a better look. He hadn’t seen her before.

A new text appeared on flirt-o-gram.

_**3464:** Levi sweated on me. I can die happy now.  <3_

I caught Eren on his phone red handed. It was too much really, I never pegged Eren as gay. But damn was he hot all over for Levi. Zoe picked back up when the yells died down. “Well, ladies and gentleman here is your first little lady of the night. All hail the Queen! Miss Arianna Grace!” Chants of “Ari, Ari. Ari” Filled the air frat style from Reiner, soon joined by Ymir and Eren.

The song kicked in like a cheerleader. A stomp and clap happy beat with Katy Perry‘s voice in a girlish tone singing “I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock…” I dimmed the lights and left the spotlight where it was and out stepped a figure I immediately recognized.

Armin fucking Arlert.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think and keep an eye out for further chapters. I plan on continuing! See you soon :3  
> Songs used:  
> [Nicki Minaj- Starships](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SeIJmciN8mo)  
> [Escape The Fate- One For The Money](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azO4H7f2FPE)  
> [Katy Perry- Peacock](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVxWcbNT37k)


	2. Skullface

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I thought I had myself figured out. I was so very, utterly and massively wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys~  
> -throws glitter and confetti- I can't believe how excited I am for this! This one's a bit of a roller coaster. But there's so much foundation laid down. Your comments on the last chapter were super motivating, to the point of me writing this one the next day. I have the link to the story posted on my [tumblr](http://figureitoutbruh.tumblr.com/) . If you'd like to give it a share that would be toooootally cool.

For some reason deep in my very twisted subconscious I stood up and leaned over a bit as I shamelessly gawked. Armin was the last person I would have guessed to see here, let alone standing in the spot light in a purple leotard with his hair in waves. He stood and looked much taller and almost elegant. That’s when my eyes caught themselves targeting in on some turquoise heels. I was half hypnotized as he sauntered over, his legs moving one in front of one another and his hips slide and swayed like some jazz lounge songstress. His hips flared in a way I had never really noticed at school or parties before. I swallowed and literally fucking heard myself gulp as he looked up. Of course the spotlight half blinded him and he couldn’t see me. He had long eyelashes, purple winged eyeliner and green lips. His features were exaggerated a bit, but the curves and slopes of his face were unmistakable. _I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock. Your peacock, cock, Your peacock, cock, cock, Your peacock._

I saw shimmers on his arms like he had sprayed himself with glitter. A trail of peacock feathers followed him like a train on a dress. It came around like a belt and I followed to see silk purple fabric crossed like suspenders over him. His eyes were on the crowd, who immediately began yelling and whistling obviously pleased. Plastered on Armin’s face was this smile. It was huge and showed off dimples I didn’t know the boy had. If you would have asked me thirty seconds ago if I had ever seen Armin smile I would have laughed like you were crazy and said of course. But it clicked in my head he never smiled with teeth. Always he was just smirking or grinning. Armin’s cheeks plumped and his eyes crinkled at the corners and dear god did that smile lit up not only his face but this entire room.

The intro kept pumping and I saw the crowd act differently. They began clapping and clearing the middle of the dance floor. Some jumped and bounced a little and others flat out danced where they stood. I picked up the fact this wouldn’t be like Levi’s dance and I couldn’t tell if I was relieved or a bit let down. I mean, did I really want to see Armin swaying and shedding clothes? I paused my thoughts, not really wanting to go down the rabbit hole to fetch that answer. I tried not to question thoughts like that because I usually didn’t like where they went. Standing there in secret peering in on this hidden life of a supposedly close group of friends, one of whom happened to be center stage, I was struggling to stay in control. Keeping an iron grip on my calm, on my stoic emotional and mental levels was something I was creepy good at. People thought I was a hot head, but in reality I hardly lost my temper. Not caring who I offended or what I broke was kind of my thing. Looking out at Armin shining like a fucking beacon I was suddenly nervous I’d mess this up for him. Like my sheer presence would bring trouble. My brows knitted together and I slid one arm across my stomach and raised my other hand to my mouth running my fingertips across my lips. How much trouble could I cause up here just watching?

Armin’s toned arms moved with every punctuation of the beat. They pointed up, went to his hips, pointed at his eyes… No part of him was still. His motions were bubbly and very feminine. Hips would jut out just so in this fucking adorable sassy little way that made me raise an eyebrow and chuckle. _“ Word on the street, you got somethin' to show me, me.”_ I was a bit floored when I saw Armin’s mouth move to the lyrics. I smiled as he walked out to the crowd, tracing his fingers down one girl’s jaw. Lip syncing was so silly sounding but Armin looked like he was really into it, and something about how he threw his body up and down as he stomped in those heels made the whole thing a bit sexier than silly. He made his way to through the crowd’s edge and people handed him money _. “Magical, colorful, Mr. Mystery, ee. I'm intrigued, for a peek, heard it's fascinating. Come on baby let me see, What you're hidin' underneath…”_ My mind was more than struggling to take this all in and process but it was functioning well enough to catch the tongue in cheek innuendo and the fleeting thought that Armin wasn’t as innocent as he seemed flickered through my brain. He pranced and for everything looked like he was performing the song himself. People screamed as he came near and arms stretched out with more and more money. They were paying just for the chance to touch his hands! He did more than touch, he shook hands quickly, kissed the backs if palms and mouthed thank you’s and even threw winks. Shy little Armin was reeking of confidence and sheer charisma.

The beat changed and Armin threw his legs wider and looked around mischievously as he stood still for a second. Soon he began to thrust his chest and hips in opposite patterns so that when his hips came forward, his chest was back. It was flashier and honestly surprisingly hip hop in a way. _“I want the jaw droppin', eye poppin', head turnin', body shockin'…”_ Small hands slid down hips and a strange ebb of something between nervous and excited crept into my gut. I should be floored that Armin could shake his ass like a damn Destiny’s Child but I was more so just happy for the kid. _“I want my heart throbbin', ground shakin', show stoppin', amazin.'”_ He turned and I couldn’t help but take in the curve of his hips and how his small frame hosted such a round and high ass. I mean it wasn’t huge or anything, it was proportionate but damn was the thing perky. The leotard left about as much to imagination as a bikini bottom and I found myself looking at the edges of his cheeks where they met his thighs and the way his hips curved up to a small waist. This guy was text book image of petite. If anyone had the ‘school girl’ figure it was him.

He lifted an enticing finger in a come hither motion and from the crowd stepped Ymir. She was in jean shorts, high tops and a sports bra. Her trademark low ponytail was still there and her cheeks were a bit red. She threw her head back and laughed as she twirled Armin in a circle. He ran his hand over her arm and collar bone singing. _“Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock? Don't be a chicken boy, stop acting like a bitch! I'm a peace out if you don't give me the payoff…Come on baby let me see, What you're hidin' underneath...”_ I giggled into my hand as he pulled the sports bra away from her chest and peered down. Armin turned back to the crowd with his hands over his mouth in a naughty, surprised way. I knew Ymir and that haughty laugh was truly her enjoying herself. Ymir’s arms were steered by Army as he turned and rubbed his body down the front of hers.

All of the sudden Armin’s hands pulled on the purple fabric over his shoulders and the peacock skirt stood up, towering over his head and completely hiding Ymir. It plumed out, huge and regal indeed just like a peacock. I watched as the two danced, Ymir swinging hips and being totally danced on and led around by Armin and I couldn’t help but just soak in the scene. My eyes were not mine to command. Armin stole my gaze the second he stepped out and for everything I knew right then that I would never be able to look at him the same way. It wasn’t even sexual. It’s not like I was biting my knuckles trying not to think about fucking him. I just felt like I was seeing him for the first time. This confident and full of smiles guy who could dance and throw a teasing look was a whole new layer to him. The ocean obsessed, poor as dirt, book loving third wheel to the Yager boy was still there under the glitter and fake eyelashes. It’s like for seven years I had been zoomed in on one aspect of him and now I’d finally stepped back and was taking in the whole masterpiece you know?

Standing there little things came back into my mind. Armin’s passionate speech for class about how the holocaust killed more than just Jews and focusing on the genocidal side of the disaster was only ensuring hate for other communities (Including the LGBT) to continue. Armin defending Ymir when she was called a dike even though the girl could obviously take care of herself soon followed. Flashes, bread crumbs really came into mind. It wasn’t obvious by any means. Clearly the people here were ones he trusted immensely. I doubt just anyone got to see this side of him. Was it bad that I was seeing him? I feel a bit like a peeping tom up here in my both.

“The innocence is what hurts the most.” I hear and I turn to see Levi, clad in tight denim and a black tank top, hair still wet from a quick shower. I blushed, feeling as if I’d been caught. “The ones that grab you with their beauty tend to be the ones who get ruined by you enjoying them.” A pale hand brought a cup of tea to his lips. I stuttered not even throwing together a logical syllable. His narrow eyes fleeted from me to Armin. Then to someone else in the crowd as he sighed and ran his free hand down his face. “Fingerprints don’t wash off of people. “ I should have denied it. It would have been perfectly logical and believable to act like I didn’t understand. I knew Levi was talking to himself just as much as me. “You’re a bull in a china shop too, huh?” he said and sauntered over, leaning on the railing next to me. He smelled of soap and expensive cologne.

“Oh le.” I said taking a puff of my cigarette. Apparently the monotone impression of a matador made him give a dry “Tch.” A silence passed and I got the sense Levi was feeling pretty low himself. The guy was a vocal, commanding, cold jerk. No wonder I was starting to relate to him a bit. Looking at him closer I noticed small lines around his eyes. Sure, he was way shorter than me but I got the sense he was much older. His hair was in a cut similar to mine but longer and falling in his face. The song was winding down and Armin was blowing kisses heading back stage. I reached down to give Zoe time to speak and when I looked back up from hitting the key, Levi was gone but two twenties sat on the desk.

“Wasn’t that the prettiest damn bird you have ever seen?!” Zoe half squealed in the microphone. I smirked as the crowd yelled and agreed. “Ari never fails to deliver does she?” I was confused. Levi was a male, and called a guy but Armin was a girl? “Let’s keep this party going and welcome Miss Amanda Hold!” The next song was where you have been by Rihanna. I couldn’t help but think about who would come out next. I hate to admit but I was kind of disappointed.

Levi slaughtered it, and it was clear he was an exotic dancer. Armin had a natural and very girly look to him, and seemed to target people hearts more than just pockets. This person was obviously flashier. It was a man, a tall one at that with wide shoulders and he looked even taller in heels. I mean damn, he cleared seven feet with those things on! A wig topped his head, curls and curls of brown hair. The makeup was a lot thicker than Armin’s. The dancing was less innocent too. People loved him though, and I was really shocked to see Reiner getting a lap dance.

It hit me how hard he had cheered for Armin. I felt like I swallowed ice water as I watched how nervous the big guy seemed, he was practically sitting on his hands. Amanda ran her hands through his hair and down his chest as she sang to him. Well, lip sang. The poor guy looked like he would combust. Was he scared? I couldn’t help but picture him and Armin together. Why the hell did that disappoint me?! I crossed my arms and frowned. Of course they were dating. I was suppressed and let down by that for reasons I had no grasp on.

I gathered that there were four types of people at this club performing. Dancer’s like Levi who wanted money and showed the most skin. They were hard core sexy and the center of everyone’s lust. Amanda Hold was a drag queen. Glitz, glamour and bigger than life was their scene. They were men, dressed as women and called she’s and hers. Then there was drag kings, which were women who dressed like men and performed. Finally there were people who were way more natural and low key. I had no clue what to call them but Armin seemed to be one of the latter. Two others came on after Amanda Hold and I was kind of let down. I mean they were good but clearly I was not going to be as happy with or interested in anyone but Armin. The last performer was on and Zoe ran up my stairs and looked at me giving me a thumbs up. “Amanda sprained an ankle so there is just going to be Ari’s number after people get drinks. Run the smoke machines for her as a surprise. We need to make a dramatic finale since it will be short. You’re doing great!” She said and bounded away, her bunny ears swaying with the momentum of the steps.

I played some generic pop videos on the screens as the crowd took the cue and dispersed. They knew the drill all right. Despite how smooth the night was going, my mood was soured. Clanks of glasses filled the air as the bar went in over drive. I made sure the fog machine was full and cranked it up letting it spill over the stage and felt the chalky dust catch in my throat. Fuck that stuff was brutal. I coughed a bit and went back to my computer as I bobbed a little to the hip hop beat. I looked out and saw Eren and Mikasa dancing in a group with Ymir off to the side talking to Christa and Reiner. Amanda Hold was sitting next to them with a zip lock bag of ice on her ankle. I coughed again and the paranoid thought that someone would look up at me and I’d be caught hit my brain. I couldn’t let that happen! I tried to clear my throat but it still tasted like some weird fucked up baby powder. I pulled out my bag and rummaged until I found a bandana. It was a Misfit one with a Danzig style skull printed on it. I folded it in half and tied around my face. I saw my reflection in the mirrored wall. It lined up well and created a totally creepy cool effect.

People mulled around and danced and laughed. I actually enjoyed them enjoying themselves. I was looking over the edge now and my head was nodding again to the beat. That’s when a message flashed across the flirt-o-gram.

_**5738:** HELL YEAH and DJ said LET THERE BE FOG_

_**6281:** Umm… Who’s the new DJ?_

I froze. I felt a shit ton of eyes turn to me. I was suddenly pretty damn happy I’d choked myself half to death and slid this thing on. I didn’t know what to do. I thought of all the heroes I had. What would Calvin Harris do? I channeled a silent Zoe and waved as I cranked the music up and hit the preprogramed lightshow. Green and blue lasers shot through the industrial beams.

That was the first time anyone cheered for me.

_**5738:** DJ SKULLFACE_

_**2195:** get that fukin dude a drink. skullface needs a muthafuckin drink_

_**3464:** Hey Skullface, play Bang Bang by Jesse J_

So apparently I was DJ Skullface now. I was smiling like an idiot as I pulled out my phone and shot a text to the number Zoe had given me.

 

_**8762:** Skullface here. Bang Bang coming up, then its back to the show. Thnx for the  <3! Now dance like ur wasted, bitches._

I smiled as people pointed and make some amazed noises. Eren fist pumped and I noted 3464 was the same number that fan girled over Levi. So Eren liked Jesse J as well as six packs. I rolled my eyes. I’d forever look at him differently too. Next thing I knew Zoe was hugging around my neck, spilling something that smelled like vodka on my lap. “JEAN! YOU GENIUS!” She pulled back, handing me the plastic cup. “Using flirt-o-gram to take requests and communicate with the crowd is smart.” This mask, the texting… it was easy to be brave behind a skull and a keyboard. I peered back over the crowd and they were losing it. It looked like a rave down there. It was like I’d set fires under them. She shoved my arm and forced the cup to my lips.

“It’s a Kamikaze. You’ll like it and you’ve earned it. I am seriously impressed kid. Look at them!” she said swinging her arms wide. I felt like a king. The lasers shined and I saw bodies and arms all moving and twisting. I saw Mikasa’s hair swaying as turned and Christa was twisting and moving against Ymir. Eren was into it too. They were having fun because of me. I was Jean the asshole, not the guy who inspired laughs and fun…

I was the good guy here, some party hero that people obviously liked. The drink tasted terrible but I gulped it down and felt her ruffle my hair. It was seriously amazing feeling not only like I belonged but like I was appreciated. I was able to keep myself an arm’s length away and stay anonymous but know that these smiles were because of me. I thought I was happy…accepting all the bad things people shove down your throat and tell you about yourself didn’t make you self-aware. I thought I knew who I was. I was the bad guy. The one who didn’t care, love or get invested… I had been lying to myself. I was getting a taste of acceptance and admiration without the risk of being exposed or being called out. My guard was down and truth be told I was soaking up this fun and praise like a sponge. I wanted more.

I licked my lips as Zoe left and realized I had been smiling so much my cheeks hurt. I dimmed the lights and turned the spotlight back on while softening the last bit of the song all at once and so smoothly I felt like an electronic maestro. The crowd moved like a single organism and I saw Reiner standing by the stage and Christa patting his back softly as she spoke privately to him. They made the now understood customary U shape around the stage. “I take it you little devils met my new favorite person like, ever! Who came up with Skullface, was it you Nanaba?!” Zoe asked a sudden hand shot up and I saw Ymir with her hand raised high. Of course she’d be behind this. “Well sporty spice, you get a free drink! I talked to my bosses and I’d like to take this time to formally offer Skullface a job. Would you guys like him to stick around?!” They roared and shouted and few even jumped up and down. I waved and looked over to the sound board and remembered the effects I was playing with waiting on the doors to open. I hit a key and lil jon’s voice in a customary “What?! Okaayyyyyyyyy.” Filled the club and Zoe beamed at me as I shot her a thumbs up. “I think that’s a yes! Welcome to this giant fucked up family baby boy!” They clapped for me. I took it in as Zoe’s slightly terrifying cheer was zeroed in at me. I would get to do this every weekend!

I saw Armin lurking off to the side of the stage, pacing. His shoulders were high and tight and his hair was now up in the same bun as earlier. I hit the key as Zoe stepped off stage and this beat filled the air. It was heavy, serious and had a tone that went higher and made a feeble brass sound. I knew the song by heart, it was Elastic Heart by Sia. Armin danced to the pole and he was in just an oversized black shirt. Gone were the fake lashes and heels, Armin stood looking so much like, well… Armin. Barefoot and half naked he rocked his shoulders and hips in perfect synch with the song. That’s when Reiner stepped up.

Their dark shirts matched, only Reiner had jeans on. I noticed he was barefoot too. Armin locked eyes with him and danced over with every single cell in his being screArming seduction. I was floored at how Armin’s eyes narrowed and his mouth hung slightly open as he and Reiner drew closer together. A hand ran down Reiner’s cheek and Armin looked up. He wasn’t wide eyed like a child. He was steady, in control and I could see a sharp intake of breath that made me want to hear the small sounds and gasps he would make. Those sea like eyes were full of emotions I had never even pictured Armin having.

I felt more than the letdown of earlier, more than disappointment or surprise. I was pissed. I mean I adored Reiner, he was such a good guy and never turned down a chance to help or lend a hand. But I guess seeing the way Armin looked at him made me realize two things instantly.

One, Armin Arlet was giving him fuck me eyes and two…

I wanted him to look at me like that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dun dun dun!!!!!!  
> Are Armin and Reiner together? Who is Amanda Hold? What's up with Levi? Why did Ymir coin the nickname skullface? 
> 
> Comment and feel free to[ask me anything or tell me theories](http://figureitoutbruh.tumblr.com/) that you have. I try to reply to all comments and I enjoy talking to you guys. 
> 
> Songs used:  
> [Katy Perry- Peacock](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVxWcbNT37k)  
> [Rihanna- Where have you been?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJc8lLP8geg)  
> [Jesse J- Bang Bang](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YswhUHH6Ufc)  
> [Sia- Elastic Heart](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWZGAExj-es)  
> 


	3. The Phantom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting caught red handed was never Jean's thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!  
> Thank you **so much** for your comments! I really do squeal at them and get super happy.

The two of them came together slowly, like flames licking at each other before mingling into one being. Just when they looked as if they could kiss, the song hit a chorus and Reiner spun Armin who seamlessly turned the jazz like motion into a cartwheel. His legs lifted and cleared his head as his hands caught him and he was upright just as quick as he had tumbled. He was so damn fast. The two of them began circling like predators and I saw their fists banging over their hearts to the beat. I knew what this was immediately. It was a story. My breath caught in my chest at the emotion flaring in their eyes. It was artsy, I’ll give them that. They circled each other like warriors until Armin hauled ass towards Reiner. It looked like Armin would run through him. The last second was there and Reiner’s hands lifted Armin at his hips and a large hand balanced across his stomach and next thing I knew Armin was in the air being held by only one of those muscular arms clear over Reiner’s head. They turned as the singing cooed into a softer tone, and Armin’s hands found those wide shoulders below and he was doing a fucking handstand on them before I felt the fire of jealousy rise in my gut as Reiner’s hands reached up caressing the back of Armin’s legs. Armin twisted and fell down into those arms that were so much stronger than mine.

The story was about being in love, one person lifting another and doing these stands and such with support. Armin was in front of Reiner now, and those hands I was wishing would disappear soon lifted the shirt off of Armin’s small frame. My lungs decided to temporarily stop working. Lean muscle filled out Armin’s tanner than I expected skin. His shoulders were wide, so were his hips and that gave him the closest thing I’d ever seen on a boy to an hourglass figure. His arms had lines of toned muscle and as he turned I was floored by the sheer fact his back had tone to it as well. He wasn’t beefy by any means but he was athletic. My eyes stuttered across a four pack. Skin colored briefs were all he wore as he stood before me now. He bared it all, his lover stripping him down. He was letting him in, trusting… Why was I moved? I was captured and enthralled and god did those hips sway in this crazy motion that made me feel my throat go dry. I took another sip of the Kamikaze Zoe had force fed me. I was trying to reform my thoughts to focus on the craftsmanship and passion here, not the bodies. It felt almost disrespectful to wish those briefs were gone. I mean, I wasn’t being creepy right? To be fair he came out dressed as a girl at first!

Let’s clear this up really fast. I’m not really gay. I don't like many people, period. Like unless I know someone I can’t get off or think about them sexually. It just feels empty and wrong. I’m probably the only eighteen year old guy ever to not like porn. For the first ten years of my life I assumed I was what I know now as asexual… Until my best friend kissed me. Marco had been the sidekick and best friend everyone wanted.Climbing trees, playing mario cart and building forts endless summer over endless summer. Marco was my first kiss. My first at a lot of things. We were inseparable. No one knew, you know with his overbearing catholic parents and all. I cringed as the still fresh wound that Marco left through my very core stung at the prodding that thinking of him caused. That day that my world crumbled around me and I felt the life and feeling drain from me like I was bleeding out. I literally collapsed. Ymir had been the first to reach out to me. My eyes closed, forcing the thought away. I can still see blurs of my friends faces, some already sobbing as they soaked in the news. I didn’t cry or speak. I simply let waves of some out of touch with reality feeling hit me as my grasp on the world let go, because it would no longer be the world I loved. I wasn’t aware of my knees buckling until right there in the halls of Sina Academy, I laid my face on the floor slumped over just started to scream. I remember the way it echoed off of the floor and back into my face like the world was spiting my pain back into my eyes and mocking it. People watched, not sure what to do. I remember Connie’s voice, half sobbing himself. I cant tell you what he said. What I do remember is Ymir, the smell of mens soap and green apple chap stick as she sat her ass down and pulled me into her lap shamelessly.

Since then theres two girls I let rope me into sex when I was lonely. It feels nice and fills this gaping hole of lonely for a bit. I know Hitch and Mina are using me…but really I am using them just as much. That’s all most romance is anyway. It’s like a socially acceptable form of prostitution in exchange for friendship. I had an itch, I scratched it. It went away. That’s how it worked for me. They expected as much from me, with my appearance and distant nature. One of th perks of being a ‘bad boy’. No man had drawn my eye since Marco. But looking down at Armin I was caught off guard by how raw and exposed he seemed. He looked naked in more ways than one as he stood hands atop Reiner’s chest. Renier swayed and lowered himself on his knees in front of Armin. Next thing I knew, they were both topless. Damn, Reiner had beefed up since last summer. Blame it on the football I guess. I tried to swallow my impulses as I willed myself to be objective and observant. That’s when Reiner snapped his head to the side and slowly let his hands slide away from Armin’s waist. The symbolism hit me as Reiner ran his hands through Christa’s hair. Armin was fully open and trusting, Reiner kept part of himself hidden. Thats what the pants meant! His eyes were caught by another. I felt a jolt of sympathy as I looked on.

Armin approached, repeating that circling motion around Reiner as he banged his hand over his heart. Pain screamed from his eyes. I found myself casually wondering what inspired this dance. Armin was soon beating on Reiners back as the larger boys face vanished in the crook of Christa’s neck. Reaching back he shoved Armin away and the momentum from it caused his shoulder to turn and before I knew it he was on the ground. I was no expert in dance by any stretch of anyones imagination. But as my eyes watched Armin writhe on the floor to the beat, his hair halfway loose from all the effort I thought to myself on the floor that day… My eyes stung. I could relate. This was my story too. I had no idea that Armin had been through such heartbreak… Shouldn’t that pain have made us bond? Why wasn’t I closer to him? He stood and ran to Reiner once more and was struck down this time by the back of a hand. He crawled back, cupping his face. When he stood now he was still, panting and the look on his face when he stood was nothing short of fierce. What came next gave me more respect for Armin than I knew I was capable of. He did a backbend and walked on his hands before casually turning right side up as if it was the easiest thing in the world. Dancing to, no with, his reflection now he went into a full ballet spin. His head turning when it had to but fixed on some point I didn’t see. He spun quicker, quicker and even quicker until he was a blur.

He was alone and content. The dance was still going, no support from stronger arms needed. He’d found his own sense of self… or maybe I was reading to much into it. Either way, Reiner came skirting back. Armin literally fucking growled at him, Reiner backing away like someone wounded animal. He danced harder, fierce jagged movements as he danced out all the anger from his heart. The song took a tender turn and I saw him do another back bend but this time his hands weren't empty when he rose up. He had the shirt. My mouth fell open as he caressed Reiner’s face and lifted his arms as his hips swayed. Reiner ducked in for a kiss only to have his shirt pulled back over his face.Armin wasn’t going to leave him naked and uncovered. Even though he’d been left for another and was still all too nude his self he covered his ex lover before worrying about himself. Here I thought Christa was the angel. The sting in my eyes became more prominent. Would I be able to do that? Did I have that much goodness in me? I guess the reason it hurt was because I knew the answer. It was an echoing, explosive no.

The dance ended to Reiner on the floor half kneeling as Armin danced away.

It effected me, that for sure. I never knew I hadn’t processed or really let thoughts like that hit me in years. I felt a salty singe at my surely bloodshot eyes. The silence was so thick you could cut it with a knife. But then they clapped and I joined, slapping my hands together through the heat in my eyes and the sting helped to keep tears from falling. Who knew I could see something so deep and meaningful next to a stripper pole? I swallowed hard and went back to work. DanceDance played through the top ten club hits one by one for the next while. I stood and looked into the crowd as bodies twisted and danced. I really did like it here. I’m not sure how well I’d enjoy it from down there, I had never really danced before. But here behind the safety of distance and control I was pleased and contend with them enjoying the night and all of those possibilities it held. A private sense of attachment to this place settled deep in my gut and I began to wing it, doing a light show off of the top of my head just to entertain myself.

“Hi.” Came a soft and shatteringly familiar voice. I turned and felt my ears burn and a shock jolt through my limbs as Armin stood before me. Damn, why did I never hear people sneak up here?! He was sweaty and his hair was damp and readjusted into its bun. That black shirt clung to him as well as… Holy shit, it was a black skirt. He was a bombardment of visual and sexual confusion. So feminine but clearly a boy. A boys shirt and regular converse all stars but his shaved legs looked way too soft under a black quilted skirt. I swallowed noticing how everything I liked about boys was there. A strong jaw, wide shoulders and small waist was right in front of me. But large eyes, long smooth legs and dear god was that Chanel perfume?! He was the best of both sides and he was maybe five feet away and looking half shy as he approached me. It hit me I had my mask on. Armin didn’t know who I was! I nodded, not to look coy or disinterested but half because I was too shocked to speak and half because I was scared he would recognize my voice. He extended his hand, a twenty in it. “Here’s some of what I made.” I thought back to the money Levi had left and I realized they were sharing tips with me. Like how waitresses tip out the cooks. I waved it off, shaking my head. I knew how broke Armin was. He lived on the wrong side of town and rode a bike to school. I drove a fucking lexus. I wasn’t taking anything from him.

Either hurt or confusion, maybe both flickered across his face. I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to know either. “Thank you for running the fog for me and making sure tonight went smoothly.” He said and tilted his head smiling that smirk he gave in school. “I couldn’t have done it without you up here being the master mind.” I genuinely blushed. He was flattering me. God, how I wanted to show him my smile and tell him how I loved what he did. He extended his hand to me. “I’m Ari. Lovely to meet you.” I refuse to believe my hand might have been unsteady as I shook his. His hands were so small and smooth. I pointed to my bandanna and he chucked. “Ah, Skullface… Eren and Ymi- my friends told me about you.” Correcting his self as if I didn’t know who they were. Man, he was adorable.

“Listen…” He began as I stared at him like he was the missing link, “I was wondering, since you took the job and all…” Was he blushing? He looked down reeking of the all shyness I knew him to have. “Can I have your number?” My stomach dropped. Or jumped. Hell it probably ricocheted around like some aimless bullet with no goal. Maybe it outright exploded. “I have some song ideas and I’d like to run stuff by you when I am choreographing things.” This kid was bad for my health. Tonight alone I had been on ceaseless emotional rollcoaster. More ups and downs than I knew in a year had hit me tonight. It was scary and sloppy. Every particle in my being knew this was tangled, messy and that I should run away full speed.

But Ive never dug a pen out and clicked it so quick before in my whole sad little life.

I scribbled my number on the back of his hand and he smiled up at me. “Text you soon! He said and turned to leave, but looked over his shoulder. “Lady GaGa drives them crazy by the way.” He said hinting as he shuffled down the stairs. I didn’t realize until he left I had been holding my breath. I sighed and ran my hands down my face and let out this really fucked up groan. I felt like I was eating myself alive on the inside.I was thrilled and happy, don't get me wrong. Today was fucking amazing! But this whole thing with the lying and prying into peoples private world was so stressful. I was alien on some planet I didn’t belong on. I knew I was here on borrowed time. I felt like some shitty action movie and there was a bomb strapped to my chest tick tocking away the seconds until this all blew up in my face.

I played Lady GaGa anyway.

My phone buzzed and I pulled it out, seeing a text from a new number.

_**555-798-0089:** Mother Monster’s proud, Skullface ;]_

I look over and see Armin sitting by Amanda and he gave me a cute little wave from over his phone. I was grinning like a fool as my thumbs tapped out a reply.

_Nah, her majesty would be way more pleased with how you made an entire club of drunk and horny people forget about themselves with a dance like that._ I hit send.

The red blush was priceless but the way he let his face fall into his hands was so cute it made me literally ache in my chest. Apparently people were getting curious now because of the gesture. I saw Eren try to peek over Armin’s shoulder. Armin quickly slid the phone down and away. Guarding it like some precious secret. A secret of course that Ymir flawlessly snatched away and as her eyes skimmed over the text I saw them shoot directly to me. How in the hell did she know it was me he was texting? Fuck! Shit! I felt waves of panic rock over me as it hit me that me and Ymir have had each others phone numbers memorized since the eighth grade. Tick, tock, boom. This was it. I was caught red handed not only as the DJ with a secret identity, but as someone obviously flirting with Armin. The buzz in my hand confirmed it.

_**From Miri:** Jean YOU SNEAKY SHIT_

_**From Miri:** HOLY FUCK ON A FUDGESTICK_

My eyes watched the three dots roll on, telling me she wasn’t done and was still typing. Ymir was serial texter when she was upset or excited.

_**From Miri:** You. Me. Men’s bathroom. NOW_.

I was confused, I mean she used caps lock so much that it wasn’t a shred of evidence one way or another. You know that feeling you get when people say ‘lets talk?’. Imagine that multiplied by ten. Hell, I would have felt less guilty burying a body! I am not less of a man for admitting this, but I was scared shirtless as I meandered to the restroom. People patted me on the back and high fived me as I walked a slight distance through the crowd to the neon blue doors. I just nodded in return. I was too scared to soak it up or do a miss America wave, so sue me. I stood outside the one marked Men’s for long enough to sigh in relief as I leaned against the frame. Just when I was thinking I was semi lucky for having a second to myself to formulate some thoughts or words to say, a freckled hand jerked me in by the back of my shirt and slammed me against the wall with a thud and rather painful jolt against a paper towel dispenser. The same hand ripped the fabric from my face.

I looked into Ymir’s brown eyes and she stared back. I could tell part of her wanted to laugh by the way the edge of her mouth jerked. Still, thats no clue. She had a funny laugh, psychotic angry laugh and even a ‘why am I crying and being a whimp’ laugh. Laughing did not mean everything was okay with Ymir. Thats when her small shoulders raised and she let out this sigh that reminded me of single moms in grocery stores. She leaned back against the sink and ran a hand through her hair as she locked eyes with me. “What. The. Actual. Fuck” She said pausing between words. I shook my head, running my hands through my own hair. Damn, we were alike. I shifted my wait against the wall. I leaned back, letting my head rest as I looked her in the eye. She deserved that much. I felt scared, ashamed, caught and guilty all at once. A silent conversation happened within the arch of her eyebrows and the nod of my face.

_"You saw all of that?"_

_"Yes, I did."_

She sighs, throwing a hand up as if in question. " _And you are flirting with Armin?"_

I nod again, shrugging as I ran my hand over the back of my neck. _"I guess so, aren’t I?"_

The way she sighs and deflates signals resignation and defeat. At least she isn’t mad. I can tell instantly she’s on my side and I feel a little bad for thinking she’d do anything but help me. I watch as she silently decided to be my partner through this. I am friends with a butch angel from above. Bless her heart, bless her liver, bless her fucking kidneys just bless all that is Ymir, okay? She’s not happy though, I can tell that much from the energy shes practically spraying at me. My phone buzzes and I look.

_**555-798-0089:** Maybe you can help me put something special together for the banquet?_

She jerks my phone out of my hand with authority and groans like a bewildered father. Tossing it back to me she raises herself to sit on the sink. “Jean Kirstein, could you possibly make this situation any worse?” She asks as she lights a cigarette. I look from her to my phone for a second. I close my eyes and commit. “Yea…” I say as my fingers glide over my phone. “I just did.” I say knowingly as I turn my phone around and show her my reply.

_You name, you’ve got it._ I can't help but send it. I am helplessly committed to this.

She pulls me into a hug and I hear her blow smoke by my ear. I feel he heat of her Marlboro on my neck as she inhales and holds it for just bit too long and blows a cloud of smoke out. The sound is soothing and I remember my mother and how she smelled of flowers and menthols. Ymir pulls back and cups my face in her hands as she presses her forehead against mine and looks me in the eyes I feel safe and centered.

“You are a bull in a china shop when it comes to people, baby…” She says and her eyes take on a sad darkness. “And he’s a china doll if I have ever seen one.” She knows like I do that this will be bad. The bomb is back, against my gut and ticking. Sure, I had a scare but I guess its like in the movie when the hero cuts a wire and then sighs in relief that his arms aren’t ten feet away by now. Only I’m no hero, and the bomb is still here, ready to obliterate me at any moment. Levi’s words rang in my ear; _“You’re a bull in a china shop too, huh?”_ I swallow something down the back of my throat that tastes like fear and I slide my arms around my friend as she rubs her hands down my back radiating comfort. “I’m with you. I’m here, and your going to be okay.” Those words… those are the same words exactly that she whispered as I screamed into her arms four years ago. My eyes burn and I am suddenly feel my own tears sliding between me and her exposed shoulder in a weird wetness that brings shame to my very core. “I won’t let you go through this alone.” She says and runs a hand through my hair. I squeeze her and take a deep breath, reeling in my emotions like my life depends on it. Maybe it does.

“But so help me, Jean, do not fuck up you little shit.” She giggles and I smile. That is until she lightly smacks me across my face with a slight sting and a loud crack. “Seriously, you son of a bitch.” I grab my face and smile as I nod. She reaches up and ties my mask back on for me. Her tender fingers tie it tightly and quickly. She stands and looks up at me smiling. “Enough about you..” She says and turns her neck, revealing a large bruise. “I got laid."

Ymir’s gay, Armin’s gay, Reiner’s gay, Eren’s gay and Christa just got a taste….

And as I high five Ymir and head back through a swimming crowd I realize none of any of it matters. Am I gay? Am I bisexual? Either way it wouldn’t change my joy at Armin’s reply of endless smiley faces. I look out and see them all dancing and laughing around Armin and Amanda as they sit. We get too busy trying to find ourselves… so busy in fact we loose the chance to be ourselves because we are so wrapped up definitions and plans and shit like that. I don’t know who I am.

But I know what I want. I am not a mean, friendless outsider. I’m not straight.I’m not cold. I’m not fearless. The Jean I build as an Anti-Jean to the one my father constructed is just as big of a lie as Reiner taking Christa to prom. Maybe I can be social. Could I even be romantic? What if I’m not the phantom of the opera, destined to watch others dance from the catacombs?

What if I have a dance of my own to perform?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter didn't really answer any questions that the last one brought up, but trust me the next one will tackle a few ;)


	4. Rebirth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean dips his toes back into social life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Sorry this one took so long, but its really one I loved writing. This is kind of fluffy and explains a lot. Comments and feedback are love <3

It’s hard to admit that things slid back into being slightly normal. I felt like I lived in the twilight zone or was shell shocked as I finished up and drove home on this weird version of autopilot that made me numb and awestruck to my core. I showered for a bit longer than normal. The hot water and steam seemed to wash away some unknown film or feeling that was dancing along my skin. My boxer covered body collapsed onto my bed and proceeded to get flash blinded by my phone. I cringed like some cave creature that was having a light shined on them for the first time. After my Sméagol face went away and my eyes adjusted I saw a Facebook notification. An invite? My thumb slid up, tapping on it to see what it was.

‘Sasha’s Surprise Roller Rink Party’ I laughed into my pillow. Connie and Christa of course where behind this, that was no surprise at all. The guest list was extensive; Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Ymir, Christa, Reiner… There were some people I knew distantly too. Annie, Bert, Mina, Hitch… I was pretty tempted. I stared at the screen to confirm whether I was ‘yes’, ‘no’ or ‘maybe’. It would be nice to see Armin. And I could internally gloat about Eren’s secret. I did kind of owe Ymir. I smirked as I clicked ‘maybe’ and looked read the comments on the event.

‘Sorry it’s so last minute, we couldn’t figure out what to do!’ Christa’s comment made my eyes jerk to the date. It was tomorrow, or rather, later today. I groaned as my face fell into my pillow. What the hell? I had never been super social my entire life but now I will be going two days without so much as breathing room to draw or play music or anything! It was a hassle to be honest. It was three in the morning and I suddenly felt my phone buzz and vibrate. Then the sound of Muse filled the air and I looked at the screen in confusion. Connie’s dumb face was starring me down. He’d taken a picture with his face smashed against the glass and demanded we all use it as his contact picture. So I was half asleep, still wet, and cranky and this last air bender looking mother fucker was exploding out of my phone.

I answered with a groan.

“Alright walking dead, don’t act like your asleep I just saw you on Facebook!” Connie said and I heard gunfire and stomping signaling he was still in PlayStation mode.

“Do you ever sleep or what?” I asked with a half smirk.

“Well, you see, a bunch of people on my destiny team are in from- well never mind dude just tell me you’re coming…” Connie sounded anxious and happy in a sort of doubtful way.

“Yeah, I’ll be there.” Breathy and adjusting myself I stretched as I said it nonchalantly. It was no big deal. Right? I mean I could just forget about everything I saw. Act like I knew nothing about Armin and Reiner, Ymir and Christa, or even Eren.

“It’s just you don’t really ever want to hang with us all as a group…” He said and I heard him sigh softly then promptly crunch on something. Probably Dorito’s. “I miss you when it’s all of us, you know?” There was a silence. “Your one of my favorite people so I’m really happy your coming.”

I smiled widely. Connie was such a sap sometimes. I can imagine it’s hard for him in a way. He’s so social and goes to every event and game…and me, his closest friend was always making him find ways to hang out one on one. I realized guiltily that he’d had to choose. I had been making him choose between our friends without knowing it for years. I would always back out or decline invites if it was more than three people. Connie had to pencil me in and make sure no one else was there pretty much every time we got together. “Well don’t stress, I will be there for sure.” I said softly, the weight of just how good of a friend Connie is settled warmly into my chest like some sweet scent.

You see, Connie lives with his mom. His dad is in prison and doesn’t respond to Connie’s letters. Connie still writes once a year though. Miss Springer was a thin, frail woman who did the best she could…but Connie still crashed at my place a lot. He was envious of the high ceilings, pool, extra rooms… We never talked about how poor he was, but I remember for three years in middle school he didn’t get new shoes. I had a habit of ‘breaking’ my things and giving them to him. A PlayStation with a bad cord, a laptop with a virus, ect. My dad always just bought me new ones. I was able to convince Connie to let me buy him games and pay for his live accounts so that we could play them together. He’d fix and bandage and rig things thinking he was so clever and it let me provide for him without hurting his ego. Was this so different? I could kind of mend our friendships as a group and take the stress off of him having to juggle me into his life.

“What does Sasha want?” I asked curiously, trying to let this bromantic moment pass. This time, Connie groaned and I could feel frustration radiating off of him through the phone.

“A pony, a cake like a hobbit, a man size joint, to ride a unicorn, to see nirvana live…” I had to laugh. I could totally see Sasha giving him the run around about gifts. But I had a sneaking suspicion I knew what to get her.

“Taco Bell gift card, some random other shit and a big hug is what she’s getting from me.” I declared and Connie chuckled softly. We both knew she adored food, especially if it was free. The call wrapped up and soon I was lying on my back, starring at my ceiling wondering what tomorrow would hold. Can we say anxious but calm is a feeling? I was calm because I knew nothing catastrophic would go down. The level headed ones in our group would police it like little drama hall monitors. But I was anxious about how to approach certain people and what to say, how would I act? The usually nerves of social anxiety slid their tentacles around me and I flung my arm over my eyes and breathed. I wouldn’t chicken out.

I couldn’t. Connie needed me to be there. Sasha would be let down if I didn’t. Plus I really, really wanted to see Armin. It’s crazy, I know. I can’t help that some hook was laid in my skin at the sight of him tonight. You can’t choose who you’re attracted to or the people that give you butterflies. That’s what makes it special, but what also makes it scary. There is this hope to it, the flavor of new possibilities and adventure dances along your tongue like an exotic spice as you plan your next move. That’s the tragedy of this though… I had no next move. A) Armin wouldn’t like me, B) Armin was taken, C) I wouldn’t be his type anyway and D) It was hopeless. The guillotine of reality severed the wings from the butterflies in my gut. I rolled onto my side, also rolling to a conveniently placed puddle of self-loathing and pity to wallow in.

I put on a simple black shirt with a symbol for a band I had been listening to a lot, Bring Me the Horizon. The symbol of small interlocking circles to make a larger circle had pissed my dad off “What are you now, Buddhist?” he had spat with venom. So it was a new favorite. Black jeans that hugged every inch of me and slid down into black boots finished it off. So I was bit cliché and unoriginal, but I didn’t mind. I shaved absentmindedly. I was pretty good at not nicking myself. Eren and Marco always had little wads of toilet paper on their face in morning back in the day. I felt the corners of my mouth tighten at the memory of sharing this very mirror and sink with Marco.

Remembering someone is tricky. The memories make you happy, but then the joy is robbed by fact it’s done. Over. Ended. The cold reality of the situation slams into you like a train and your left hollow once again. I looked to the man in the mirror and saw myself. Would Marco be proud of me? Would he still like me? In English class they had the writing prompt ‘How would your eight year old self feel about who you are today?’ I clicked my tongue and peered at the man looking back at me. I had dropped the ball. Massively, I had failed not only Marco, but myself.

I was fucked up with anxiety. I hated so many people, myself included. I was scared. I was rude, impatient, manipulative…. The thought of mom hit me. Jesus fucking Christ, mom would hate me. She was so warm and soft even up until the very end. I can remember her in the hospital still trying to smile and play with my hair from her bed. Even though the chemo made her hair fall out months ago, she still had these eyes that were stunning. Her round face and high cheeks made her look like a model. She died the summer before I started high school.

I needed to tap into the Jean from middle school. He was still an over opinionated ass, but he was open and laughed. That version of me was fearless and so intense and passionate. I took a rag and wiped the remnants of shaving cream from my face as I nodded, affirming the resolution I had made to my reflection. Hopefully I’d leave the fake Jean in the mirror when I walked off.

I went to the mall first and made a B line for a store called Pipe Dreams. It sold ‘tobacco’ accessories. And by that I mean pipes, bowls, bongs and such. Sure enough there was a good selection. I settled on an orange swirling bowl that had flecks of pink and layers of glitter. Then at Kroger I found a suitable teddy bear, gift bag and a $50 dollar Taco Bell gift card. Sitting in my car at the skating rink I arranged the gifts to where the bear was holding the bowl and the card. I didn’t bother with a greeting card. Layers of tissue paper and a nod later I was pretty sure this would be like the best present ever.

I had a crazy idea. Pulling out my wallet and my phone I ordered six large pizzas, four two liters and 50 wings. I had never been so proud of the fact I had my credit card number memorized. I set the time for them to be delivered in an hour. That would allow for everyone to get here, right? I was patting myself on the back pretty vigorously when a knock at my window made my head jerk so fast it nearly fell the fuck off.

Leaning into view was broad shoulders, blonde hair and a flat nose, all belonging to Reiner. Peering from behind him was a blonde ponytail and bright eyes that of course meant Christa. I got out and locked my car as I turned to them. Was I too early? Did they not want me here? What was up with them staring at me?

“We got here at the same time! Want to help us decorate? Connie’s bringing her in an hour.” Christa said and I saw she had a plastic bin of streamers and paper plates. I nodded weakly and gave thumbs up. Reiner smiled and patted me on the back. His large hands reached from one shoulder blade to the other with ease.

“I’m half surprised you showed up.” He said as we began to make our way into the pretty much empty building. “Not that I’m complaining, you always kind of made the party. You and that smart mouth of yours keep things interesting.” He said as he smiled warmly at me.

“Thanks, I try.” I said and it was really hard to admit but, Reiner pisses me off now. I mean here he is being as sweet as pie but when I look at him all I see are his hands running down Armin’s legs. My gut turns and I feel my face flush a bit. “I ordered pizza and wings for everyone.” I volunteer as I set the gift bad on the bench and walk to Christa as she unpacks a plastic table cloth that has kittens all over it. They look up and to each other, then back to me.

“Wow, thank you! With that and the cake Mikasa made, that should cover everyone.” Christa said and silently I thought of the friends we had who would probably have not had the money to buy the seven ninety nine chili fries here. Armin and Connie were important to us. However something she said made me raise my eyebrow in surprise.

“Mikasa is into baking?” I asked and Reiner busted out laughing. Christa sighed and ran a hand over the back of her neck as she giggled nervously. “Bless her heart, she tries…” Christa said and Reiner butted in “Just for Pete’s sake say its good. She is a little touchy.” I couldn’t help but to laugh at the image of Mikasa beating someone half to death over them criticizing her cooking.

It was nice to laugh and make little jokes like that. Soon the table was set, streamers were hung, skates were rented, (Christa knew everyone’s shoe size) and not long after we finished it all a slightly confused Domino’s guy appeared. The food was laid out, the three of our gifts sat on a table and it was ready. I felt like I had accomplished something. I felt confident and good. I had talked to people four a whole hour! I helped set up something fun for everyone and that made me happy on a level I couldn’t describe. That’s when the doors open and a line of people came in.

Annie, Bert, Mikasa, Mina, Eren, Hitch, and Armin all waltzed in and began to instantly comment on how good everything looked. I felt all bravado slide out of me as I saw Armin with his hair down, tight tan pants and a blue plaid shirt that matched those eyes… those eyes that were locked directly on me.

Panic attacks feel a lot like walking down stairs and missing a step. You know that terrified, gut dropping ‘holy shit!’ moment that can scare you so bad, it gives you chills? Imagine that slamming into you, stealing your breath and staying. Not a fleeting moment of fear followed by relief so strong you feel silly for being scared in the first place. No, this is toxic, crippling and tangible fear. My heart fucking hammered as my lungs forgot how to work for a second. I was going to freak out and make an ass of myself for sure. This was it! Here went what little social life I had. I got too greedy, like Icarus flying to close to the sun. Who was I to think I could change? That’s when something touched my lower back. I turned to see Christa, her hands just above my pants.

She whispered “Ymir filled me in. Go have a smoke outside and calm down. She will be here soon. You’re doing great and we are all so happy you’re here Jean.” I was relieved in a huge way. Someone knew…someone got it. I nodded feebly as I walked through the people, casually nodding and waving as they said hi. Mina tried to snag me for conversation but I told her I’d be right back. She always was clingy. The cool air hit me like a blast of sheer relief. I walked over to the brick wall and put my hands on my knees, letting my head hang a bit. When did I become suck a fucking basket case? Any teenager should love the idea of being with friends. This odd cycle of feeling anxious, then guilty for being anxious that only added to anxiety started. I just helplessly lit a cigarette as I sighed, letting the waves of panic wash over me and ebb away like the tide. It would stop eventually.

“I didn’t think you’d show.”

A voice called and I turned my head to see Eren. I rolled my eyes and laid the back of my head against the brick. “Sorry to disappoint.” I said sarcastically and the brat kept walking closer. I breathed out smoke through my nose like an angry dragon.

“Oh cut the act, dipshit.” He said I looked up to see a pretty pissy expression on his face. I was silent because there was really nothing I could say. He got close, not like sexual tension I wanna kiss you close, but close enough for this to be a private conversation. “You never come to these things. I don’t know what changed…” He trailed off looking down before snapping his gaze back to me “But as glad as I am that you showed up, there are people here you don’t really know. And you might find some things out that-“ He took a breath “That will surprise you. Just don’t be a dick about anything to anyone, okay?”

I smiled softly into the smoke that still lingered around my face. Christa, Reiner, Armin, himself… Eren was being a decent guy and trying to toss his weight around and threaten me to protect everyone. I hate to admit it but this made me respect him a bit more. “Relax Jaeger.” I said and looked at him. “I’m cool with it…” Okay, I was a little shit and had to at least mess with him a bit. “I caught on to you liking guys years ago.” I said as I shrugged.

The look on his face was priceless. Beyond priceless, it was like a friggin super nova collapsing in on itself. Shock, panic, confusion… I savored his reactions. “I have a well-equipped gaydar and I notice more than people think.” I added and Eren was staring down, brow furrowed. I felt kind of bad for the guy. I mean sure, nearly half my friends were gay, but he still had to feel pretty alone. That’s the thing about being different. Even when you are with others who are different too no one has the same combination of weird or fucked up as you. Every freak is still a freak even among the rest of the freaks.

“Only a couple of people know…” He said weakly and I reached out, punching his arm lightly.

“I got you.” I shrugged as if it was no big deal. “I mean, I’m close with Ymir. Of course I’m cool with the whole gay scene.” I said and still, Eren had puppy eyes like he was just so alone. It hit me he wasn’t out. I had stolen something from him. He wasn’t ready. How would I feel if someone called me out? I remembered how bad it messed with me last night when Levi called me out on Armin. Fuck. I was being a total dick, wasn’t I? “I um….” I looked away. “I have been with guys too. I mean it’s no big deal really.”

Eren’s face snapped up at me and one eyebrow was arched skeptically. Then it clicked on his face. He was remembering me and Marco being so close. Pity washed over him. “Oh shit.” He said and the mosaic of pieces slid together in his eyes. It was like watching someone about to guess an answer you knew on jeopardy. “That’s why you fell off of the face of the earth for a while…” He was talking to himself at this point. He ran a hand down his face. “I thought you were just thinking you were too good for us. I’ve been a total ass to you…”

I waved his remorse off like it was no big deal. Secretly though it meant more to me than he could ever know. Me and Eren used to be decently close. Kind of a double team of stubborn and sarcastic that was pretty fun to be honest. I realized it’s not like Jaeger randomly became an ass. I changed, he reacted. I turned my head to him and saw that we were both realizing the same things about each other. He offered a soft smile and I returned it as I flicked ashes onto the sidewalk and brought the menthol back to my lips.

“The day, that… you know…” Eren said as he looked down. “I wanted to do something, anything… I had no clue how to process it myself let alone how to be there for you. You’d gone through so much that year already.” He looked up at me, placing a hand on my arm. “I am so sorry for never asking if you were okay. I was so selfish.”

I kept my eyes lowered. I wasn’t ready for this. It was bad enough thinking about it, but knowing that Eren was remembering was a bit much. I shrugged “It’s over and done with. All I can do is move on.” I said and he nodded, removing his hand. Eren was never a bad guy, he just handles things in a fucked up way. If he can’t fight it or fix it, he doesn’t have a clue.

“Well, here I thought I’d find you too strangling each other.” A voice called and I turned to see Armin walking up. Did he seriously come to check on us? I felt a spark of elation then realized he was probably way more concerned about Eren. Which was natural, they were best friends. He was upon us in no time, standing in front of me and Eren. I could have sworn he still smelled like Chanel. Turning to me he smiled lightly, “I am so glad to see you hear Jean.” My heart jumped into my throat like it was trying to climb out.

“And I’m glad you’re here.” I said, my voice low and thick like molasses. What the fuck brain? Did I just break out a sexy voice? That was super flirtatious! I felt Eren stiffen and looked to see a raised eyebrow and frown. Fuck! “You always are cool to talk to.” I added quickly as Armin blinked at me in surprise.

“T-thank you! I find you pretty great to talk to as well.” His voice was light but raspy in a way that let you know he was a guy. It was a pretty cool combination. I felt a little like an idiot knowing I had full and well let this situation become thoroughly awkward.

Thank any holy thing above that Connie’s faded pickup pulled up and I quickly stomped my cigarette and the three of us laughed and ran into the building announcing her arrival. Everyone sat down and tension filled the air. I saw a sloppy brown mountain of something like chocolate next to Mikasa. Annie, Bert, Reiner and Hitch were all off to themselves. The rest of us crammed at this long table. I looked around; realizing all of us hadn’t been together like this in so long. I smiled like an idiot. It felt like home. I felt a tap on my shoulder and Eren tossed me a small canister. Silly string? He smiled like the devil and I looked around to see everyone had one. The bell on the door jingled and in came Sasha, her ponytail bouncing as she turned the corner with her arm locked with Connie’s.

  
“SURPRISE!!!” Everyone yelled and she literally screamed, we had surprised her all right. Eren led the pack as we all followed, spraying her with this weird smelling multicolor rain of foam. Her and Connie gasped as we ran circles around them. At first their arms were raised in defense, but soon they accepted their fate and laughed. A voice pulled me out of my maniacal laughter. “Are you having fun Jean? Would it kill you to smile?!” I turned to see Ymir with a camcorder.

She must have snuck in. I shrugged although smiling. I laughed nervously, kind of not okay with being on camera. I looked up and said “This IS my happy face!” and turned my yellow can of spray on her. It turned into an all-out brawl! The teams were roughly Eren, Armin, Mikasa, Christa and I against Reiner, Annie, Bert, Ymir and the rest. I was fairly unscathed; Eren looked like a gay pride spaghetti monster. Armin was pretty wrecked too.

Suddenly I was knocked to the floor and I rolled over and looked up to see a string covered Sasha with wide eyes. “You came! I’m so surprised you left the house!” She said and I pushed myself up to lean on my arms as she flung her own arms around me. “Thank you, thank you, thank you…” I felt this weird softness bubble in my chest. I had been missed. My friends noticed me checking out and going all space cadet. They were happy I was here.

I patted her back half nervously as I spoke. “There’s pizza, wings and cake.” Her head snapped up and she was off of me in a split second as she ran to the food and opened each box to check the toppings. I watched with a grin until I saw a hand lower. Connie stood offering to help me up.

“She didn’t break anything did she?” He asked crossing his arms as he laughed. Connie had this way of just being funny no matter what he said. This angry little air of comedy followed him everywhere and I really did treasure that about him. I let him pull me up as I dusted myself off.

“Just my pride…” I looked up to see a knowing gaze behind his eyes. Off to the side, Ymir was continuing her interviews with the guests. Music cut on as a very pissed off looking worker began to sweep up the foam.

The night would up as expected. We ate and ate. The gift unveiling nearly gave Sasha a heart attack. Everyone laughed at my gift but Sasha’s enthusiastic thumbs up and bouncing in her seat was a great clue I’d done well. The cake was just as terrible as I expected. I literally had a piece of eggshell in mine. The anxiety came and went, but every time if flared I thought of Eren or Sasha saying how glad they were that I was here. For some reason that was like some kind of barrier I could put up. I still felt like people were staring or making fun of me behind my back at times.

I was talking to Connie and Eren about Titan fall when I felt a tug at my sleeve and turned to see dark pigtails and large brown eyes. Fuck. It was Mina. I let her drag me off to an area by a fountain. I could feel dread rising in my chest as she asked what was up.

“What do you mean what’s up?” I asked with narrow eyes. She was a sweet girl. A bit of a ditz and she had a way of being involved in every episode of drama in our class, but I never held that against her.

“It’s been three months since you talked to me last, we show up at the same party and you ignore me?” Her tone had a fire and venom to it that just made me sigh and lay my face in my hands. I looked back up to see her hand on her hip.

“I thought you understood it wasn’t like a serious thing?” I asked and she folded her arms across her chest with a ‘humph’. I felt a vibrate in my pocket and pulled out my phone, she laid her hand over the screen.

“Seriously?!” She exclaimed so loud I was paranoid people would look. “Look, I thought we had something…” She laid into some big speech about how she ‘showed me her true self’ and how I was ‘leading her on’. This I knew was bullshit. I had been super clear. How could I shake her off of my back? I had to cut her off before she made some drama tornado. Then it hit me, me being a dick could cause my friends to turn on me. How would Armin think of me if she went around giving a sob story to make me look bad? What if she started making people choose between me and her? I had to give her a reason that would shut this up and squash it for once. My brain stuttered until it skimmed across a close to home, honest answer.

“Mina, I’m gay.” I said coldly and she paused and blinked at me, her hands frozen in place where she was flailing them to accent her anger. Her hands went to her hips and she was silent for a bit. “I was using you to try to remind myself how I liked girls. I’m sorry.” Okay, so now I was lying.

“You know…” She said as she sighed, a warm tone washing into her voice. “I kind of knew.” I raised an eyebrow mentally calling bullshit. “You never looked at me during sex. Plus you always wanted me on my knees…” I mentally acknowledged it was because I didn’t like her that much that I did that. But if this lie helped her confidence and kept the drama low, I’d agree to it. I nodded and looked away. That’s when she hugged me. Her large amber eyes swam with some kind of weird pity and adoration that I didn’t understand as she cupped my face. “It’s okay, I’m here if you need me.” God she was fucking crazy.

That’s when Christa seized us and demanded it was time to skate. I took the escape rope without hesitation and I took my spot on a bench. I didn’t know how to skate. Soon everyone went out onto the floor and began gliding and sliding around laughing and talking as they passed each other. Before I knew it, Reiner was sitting by me.

“I can’t skate either.” He said and I was a little shocked. Last night he looked pretty graceful. I laughed to myself a bit. That’s when I saw him pull out his phone. I glimpsed the background and that changed everything. It was Amanda Hold, the drag queen from last night, kissing him on the cheek. I felt this explosion of relief and excitement hit me. I remembered Mina blocking my own phone and I pulled it out casually, partially because I needed to hide my expression from Reiner.

_**Armin Arlet:** Hey How are you today?_

I smiled at my phone as I typed with quick thumbs and a hazy, happy brain. Even thought to Armin, he was texting the mysterious DJ Skullface it still made me happy to be talking to him like this. 

_**Me:** I’m actually doing pretty wonderful._

I turned and asked Reiner about the current football season and for the first time in a long time, everything was sliding into place.

 


	5. Crush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Texting takes a sexy turn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit of unique chapter guys. First is the text convo, then I will do Armin's POV, then Jeans POV will be the start of the next chapter.  
> As always, please feel free to check out my [tumblr](http://figureitoutbruh.tumblr.com/) and drop a line with any questions! Comments here are amazing too and I am on a mission to answer every one! Please also check the ending notes for a video update on my fics!

 

**Armin:** I just got home from my friend’s party. It was a blast! It’s been so long since I went roller skating. What were you up to today?

I hung out with friends too. I actually kind of made up with my old friends and I feel pretty great about that.

**Armin:** Thats so great! We actually have a friend who just started showing up again. It’s so awesome to see people getting along. It takes a load off of everyone, you know?

I know exactly what you mean. Anyway, any song ideas? I am excited to see you perform this weekend! :)

**Armin:** Well I have an endless list really…

Do share ;)

**Armin:** Marina and the Diamonds, Kill Hannah, Kat Dahlia, Queen, Paramore, Stevie Nicks…

<3 hell yeah! I can get on board with all of that.

**Armin:** Oh really? I’m kinda shocked. You seemed a lot more metal and rock and roll.

I like to think I am open minded.

**Armin:** I wish more people would be like that.

Me too… So do you identify as a boy or a girl?

**Armin:** :/ well…

Sorry, that was pretty lame of me

**Armin:** Nonononnoooo its okay. Like, its weird. I don’t feel like I was born in the wrong body or anything. I just like feeling beautiful. I like the way girls clothes feel and its just like there is some part of me that it fits and brings out that I feel empowered with. I feel more like a girl most of the time. I don’t hate my body though…so I’d love to live as a woman, without changing my body. I just want to embrace all of me.

Wow… thats really awesome that you know that about yourself. You seem really strong!

**Armin:** Oh I am anything but strong! What about you? I don’t even know if your a guy or a girl.

I am a guy :) I have been with both guys and girls. I used to think I was bi, but I can see some of the performers being really attractive.

**Armin:** Ah, so you could date a tans person or a drag queen?

Easily.

**Armin:** Well then you are pansexual. There are so many titles. Like I am a gender fluid demisexual gay guy.

Good to know! What do you think I am?

**Armin:** It doesn’t work like that. Only you know yourself. Besides Ive only met you once. And I have no clue about you. Your a total mystery.

Well do you want to get to know me?

**Armin:** Of course!

Then ask away.

**Armin:** What?

Ask me anything! I’ll answer honestly.

**Armin:** Okay… Challenge Accepted, sir.  >:] So. Why the mask?

I was nervous. I don’t like how I look. I actually have anxiety really bad.

**Armin:** Oh no! I’m sorry.

It’s okay. I said you could as anything. Next question!

**Armin:** Favorite song?

Easily Rebel Yell, Billy Idol.

**Armin:** Oh so I was right about you being punk rock.

**Yep! Sure are ;)**

**Armin:** Any tattoos then?

Nope, but I have piercings.

**Armin:** How many?

Over ten.

**Armin:** ….seriously?

For real!

**Armin:** Where do you even put them all?!

Well…. Odds are if you guess you wont be wrong.

**Armin:** Oh god. Nipples?

Yep.

**Armin:** Belly button?

Nope.

**Armin:** Where else?

I’m a mystery, remember?

**Armin:** Oh come on! Now I am curious!

Ugh. Fine. A total of 7 in my ears. Four dermals. My nipples, hips and yes… my ‘down there’.

**Armin:** Oh. Well. Did they hurt?

Of course they did!

**Armin:** Why did you get them?

To be beautiful I guess. I like the way they look and it is kind of addicting.

**Armin:** Now THAT I can understand. I want my belly done.

Do what you want, but I bet it looks great either way.

**Armin:** Really? So, would you send me a picture of some of yours (not the um, last one) and I can send you one of my stomach to see if you think it would look good?

Oh well… Okay!

**Armin:** I’m all nervous now!

Don’t be! I’ll go first.

**Armin:** Oh whoa. Like that looks awesome! You totally have the collarbone for it. Okay, swear not to laugh?

Scouts honor. Besides I already saw you during that Sia dance, remember?

**Armin:** Oh I guess you did… so here

You could really pull it off!

**Armin:** You honestly think so? I’m kind not hard core at all….

It would look cute as hell. I think you could do it **.**

**Armin:** Well thank you! So what do hip piercings look like?

You could google it.

**Armin:** Your right. Sorry if this is weird…

No, I’m just giving you a hard time.

**Armin:** Oh wow that looks pretty great! It sounded like an awful lot when you were describing them but it doesn’t look like, gaudy or too much you know? You pull it off!

Thank you!

* * *

I was blushing red staring at his phone as it laid on Eren’s bed like a monster. My hand was over my mouth and I am sure I looked like a horror movie cast member. The white shirt and pajama bottoms didn’t help the aesthetic. Eren had his hand clamped on my shoulder saying it was all okay. I looked around to see Mikasa and Christa. “Guys… Are you sure I don’t sound slutty?” 

Mikasa just shrugged. Could she at least try to be encouraging? Eren and Christa shook their heads. “Ymir loves it when I send her pictures!” She said leaning over and looking at the screen. We were all staying at Eren and Mikasas’s tonight. Their large rooms and spacious estate were a welcomed break from my granddads cramped two bedroom apartment by the train station. I nearly lived here, which was nice because Dr. Jaeger was always working and it gave Eren and Mikasa some company. Christa just needed some girl time apparently. I didn’t know whether to be offended that me and Eren were included in that plan or not. 

Mikasa nodded “It wasn’t fully nude. I mean your stomach was relevant to the conversation…” She looked sideways at Eren. “Eren would die if Levi even sent him a selife.” Mikasa was in a sports bra that sowed off her serious abs and grey sweat pants that screamed athletic. It was rare to see her without her scarf but when that layer of childish was peeled away she was even more stoic and terrifying. That didn’t stop Eren though.

“Oh shut it!” He said as a vein down the center of his forehead stood out. “It’s not my fault you have the sexuality of an onion!” He said and I shook my head, a laugh bubbling out. 

“Did… you just use a Shrek line to insult me?” Mikasa asked as she blinked. I slid a hand over my mouth. Eren tossed his hands up in defeat as he shook his head.

“I could have said a fucking potato but then you’d have a chance with Sasha!” Eren’s voice had this quiver to it when he got super upset that was shrill and kind of sounded like a permanent puberty. I couldn’t help but to laugh. Leave it to them to take my mind off of my mortification and hormones. 

They had demanded to know who I was texting all through the party and into the night. Finally, they hounded me until I told them it was the mysterious DJ from Wings of Freedom. They knew my blush was serious. I hadn’t been in a relationship since my first one, and we all remember how big of a train wreck that had been. I never felt chemistry to sexual tension right off of the bat. I was confused for a long time about my sexuality and gender because I just saw people as beautiful and I wanted to be all of it. I wanted skirts and heels and tight briefs and panties and hoodies… why did I have to stay in the lane the world issued out to me, you know? I didn’t feel particularly interested in anyone, man or woman. It was rare that I had sexual thoughts, but when I did it was always about men. 

That’s when a wealthy, charming older man took an interest in me. After about three months of getting close, he leaned in for a kiss. As I felt him getting closer… I wanted it. So I let it happen. And that was the extend of my dating experience. Letting things happen. Actually flirting and pursuing someone was new to me, so when Eren hijacked my phone to read the texts aloud, I didnt fight too hard. I mean, I needed advice right?

Somehow between typing what Christa and Eren dictated to me I had mustered the courage to let Mikasa snap a picture of me shirtless and send it. I had no clue about this stuff! I trusted them… Well, mostly anyway. I was not only surprised it seemed to be working but that I felt this rare warm pooling in my stomach at the side of the pictures he sent. My heart hammered at the sight of his hair leading down…

I was never this sexual. Maybe it was the idea of him… Like the fact he kept so much hidden I was able to fill in the blanks and make the perfect guy. I’d surely be disappointed if that was the case. I sighed to myself and ran a hand through my hair. Eren looked to me, his eyes especially bright compared to his black tank top. 

“Trust me. He is way into you. You have got this in the bag!” He said and I felt his words slide into my skin. He was right! These were all good signs. Maybe things were looking up for me. “Besides anyone who doesn’t see how amazing my best friend is-” He threw an arm around me “Is a goddamn moron!”

Christa smiled and nodded as she flung her arms around me. “Not everyone is like that jerk, Ari. You deserve so much love and respect!” She said and kissed my cheek. I looked to see Mikasa with a scowl. She still didnt forgive my ex. I couldn’t blame her. The guy wrecked me… but that’s what you get when you date a married man. It never works out well, no matter how much they swear they love you and that they are leaving her. 

“Besides…” Mikasa said as she laid a hand on my shoulder. “If its another Erwin Smith, I’ll kick his ass too.” She said pointing at herself with her free thumb. I admit that the sight of Mikasa sucker punching a full grown man in the face was glorious. 

I was still smiling ear to ear as they pulled away and I picked up my phone. I looked around as they sat in a semi circle as I took a deep breath and readied my thumbs. “What now guys?”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I put this at the end to be sure not to spoil anything :)  
> [Writing Update!](http://figureitoutbruh.tumblr.com/post/112367475912/here-is-a-writing-update-for-my-fanfiction-an)


	6. Crash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean's mind is blown and it is one late night surprise after another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one took a while! I was reduced to an internet lacking barbarian. The plus side is I was able to edit together a cover for this :]
> 
> Check it out [here](http://figureitoutbruh.tumblr.com/post/112887314067/thyself-jean-is-the-high-school-outcast-who) on my tumblr and feel free to give me a follow, ask or just use it to check for updates! 
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy this chapter, there is some major Levi x Eren development going on so expect to see more of that.

I had no idea what was going on. Red faced and dying a little inside I awaited Armin’s replies with baited breath. Was he being flirtatious? I could never imagine Armin being this playful and well, hinting at seeing my body. My heart hammered and I groaned into my pillow as my face collapsed into the plush material. He sent me a shirtless picture! What was this life?! I luckily had some pictures on deck, because I sure as hell would have taken endless selfies in search of the perfect angle.

People think that guys can’t have body issues. That’s tee total bullshit. I look at myself, with vague muscle and pale skin and see something that would flat out be laughed at. I look away. As a mater of fact that is why I poked all of these bejeweled holes in myself… The world says be buff, be tan, have a V on your hips. You need abs, wide shoulders and a back that looks like a roman statue to make someone break a sweat. Girls got told to be skinny, guys got made fun of for it. It always pisses me off how the same ‘feminists’ would reblog ‘body positive’ stuff than slather on the Thor and Channing Tatum.

My heart was like a rabid hamster on a wheel as it flipped into overdrove. I was so mixed up inside! I was confused because I knew this kid and this wasn’t him. He was acting way out of wack… but I wanted it. I felt this shiver down my spine that ran to lower places at the site of him. Fuck was I screwed…

I wanted to half stop him, but I am not that good of a person. I bit my lip as I sighed at his use of wow and whoa. That was a good thing right? Of course Armin’s body would have lean muscle dancing across a slightly girlish flare. I let my phone fall to the bed like one of those dramatic scenes where the hero tries to save the villain as they dangle off a building. I rolled onto my back and looked up at my ceiling.

The guy I had a crush on was flirting with my masked DJ alter ego while completely neglecting to talk to the actual me at a party that day.

Can things really get this complicated in forty eight hours?

I felt outright naughty in this deeply dark way that I knew I should be ashamed of but wasn’t. Kind of like when your younger and you start jacking off, there is that wave of guilt afterwords but with this smear of curiosity. I was curious about those curves and how his thin hands would feel. The smell of soap and Chanel came to my mind and I remembered Armin’s love of fruit punch. I thought of the faint taste of minute maid on a tongue sliding in and exploring my mouth…

God help me if this was Armin’s style, if he was a secret seduction king. I’d be helpless. But it would make the whole thing easier, if he just pressed those petal like lips against mine. I would give him my best alright! Slamming him against me and running one had through his hair, the other down his jaw as my hips shamelessly reached out for friction. Id get so tangled in his smell, his taste and just the ocean that is Armin Arlert that I would forget my own goddamn name.

I’d make sure he was shaking by the time I pulled away for a breath. Push for those small moans while my mouth moved to his neck and my fingers toyed with the hem of his shirt before sliding up across that dancers body…

I slammed a closed fist on the bed and groaned as I looked down to see my crotch at full attention. Raising my eyebrow I looked to my phone. Surely this was okay? I mean obviously he wouldn’t know and even if he did its not like he was likely to care. Still it felt kind of odd thinking of Armin like that. He was the kid who made the single coolest science fair project with magnetic marbles. Armin was the one who saw me smoking in the bathroom and didn’t rat me out. I have sat next to him in class. He’s seen the ugliest sides of me….and all I’ve seen him be is this well-mannered precious little bundle of big ideas and philosophy.

That bundle wanted to see my body. As my eyes drifted closed I slid my hand down my pants. Fuck, that wasn’t helping! The slight friction made my dick twitch but it was like eating a grape when you wanted a huge fucking chocolate cake. I worked my fingers up and down the underside as I closed my fist around my nearly stiff cock. I pictured Armin sitting over me in that t-shirt and skirt from the club. I imagined his hand wrapped around me and this oh so cute look of mischief on his face. Letting a small moan out I moved my hands a bit faster picturing his hand around me as those blue eyes locked on my own, hardening my grip as I put my hips into motion ever so slightly.

I could almost feel those thighs against me. Soft, full of heat and a thrilling layer of mystery… Holy hell, it would feel like I was getting pampered if he just told me to lay here and enjoy it. That voice saying something so dirty made a bigger gasp that trailed into a moan escape me as the slightest hint of wetness brushed my fingers. Rubbing it against the jewelry that sat in and below my slit I released a breathy sigh that turned into “More…”

My phone vibrated once more and I furrowed my brows as my clean hand reached across my body to see a text from a new number.

_**382-449-1318:** It’s Levi from the club. We need to grab coffee._

I tilted my head like a confused cat as I took a breath, started to type and paused. What the fuck? That was random as hell. This guy didn’t seem like the chit chat type at all. I remembered how just sad and isolated he seemed as I tried to sift through my words. Finally I managed something that at least sounded decent.

_Sure, I’m free any time. Are you okay?_

It took about five seconds to get a reply, and I was half annoyed, half impressed.

_**382-449-1318:** Is now okay then?_

This must be some kind of emergency or something. I mean hell why else would he be reaching out to a stranger? I pulled my hand out of my pants and lamented the loss of a perfectly good boner as I thought of a way to shoot him down. I mean obviously the guy had other people to talk to, right?

_**Armin:** So any plans for tonight?_

_**382-449-1318:** Not to be too bold or anything but I have an issue that specifically requires your input._

Damn was I popular or what?! I felt like some weird virtual puppy dog eyes were being shot at me, then I happened to picture Levi’s permanent scowl but with huge eyes and the image was just too fucked up to dwell on. Three days ago I would have had zero problem telling this guy no but it just so happened I was rediscovering some kind friendship awakening that was making me a big softie. I shot him my address and told him all I could guarantee was bad coffee and me listening. To Armin I told him a coworker was coming over to talk about something.

I felt like a kid in time out waiting on his parents. I hadn’t done anything wrong recently but half of me felt the only way Levi would talk to me is to be a jerk. I remembered the emo advice and forty bucks. Was I being too judgey? Like maybe he was a good guy. Still, no matter how good of a guy he was or how much of a big deal he was at the club, I was not putting on real pants for the dude. He was going to the tank top and Sina Academy sweat pants Jean that hardly anyone sees.

I jumped up and washed my hands and ran them through my hair to double check that it was presentable. Is it possible to hate yourself but still be vain? I wondered that concept as I began walking down the hall. I passed three spare bedrooms, an office, a library and the hall bath that hasn’t been used in like four years as I wrapped my hand around the mahogany stair rail. We had some weirdly classic carpet that was the stereotypic vintage flourishes and hints of red and gold you saw in every creepy old house in movies and games. I always thought the way they tacked it to the stairs was kind of funny.

Like carpet on stairs is a terrible idea anyway but they were so determined to make it work they literally just nailed the shit down like cavemen. Because why? Aesthetic. Image. Showing off. I never got it and to be honest I was always ashamed of my house. People gawked and looked around like they were in Hogwarts or some shit. It made me feel like they looked at me differently. The foyer was hardwood and ‘sitting chairs’ which apparently meant chairs no one fucking sat in. The kitchen was all stainless steel and gray and white marble. There was an island with some barstools. I looked over to the dining room. When was the last time we ate in there? The formal eight chair dining table seemed way too fancy for coffee.

Why was it a big deal that Levi was coming over? Well he was sort of a boss. And I saw him glide all over a stripper pole. It wasn’t that though, I mean its not like I thought about him like that. I felt all scrambled up inside and I just walked to the fridge and got out the creamer and milk, setting them on the island before fetching sugar and two spoons. The only coffee maker we had was one of those ones that used the K Cup pods. Conveniently we had this carousel of probably six different varieties of coffee and tea.

My bare feet made a slight slapping sound on the floor. From the island I could see the double French style front doors. I was kinda freaked out by how silent everything was, especially when a text from Armin sounded like thunder. I pulled up the Bluetooth on my phone and searched for the speakers we had in the kitchen and living room. Sure enough within seconds Imagine Dragons was playing. That was a good set of tracks for chilled out time in my opinion. I went to my texts and saw what Armin had sent.

_**Armin:** Is everything okay?_

That was the Armin I knew. Soon I was writing a response.

_Yeah he’s just having some personal stuff and needs to vent. No biggie. What about you?_

I sighed and looked around my empty house. I remember having game marathons and sleep overs. Pool parties and sneaking scotch from my dad in summers that were so full of life and promise we could feel it lighting up our blood like the very fireflies we chased.

_**Armin:** We were having a sleep over but I think we’re going to surprise a few friends with a movie and ice cream. I went into Kroger in my Pj’s for the first time in my life!_

I smirked thinking they had to be talking about Sasha. Man would she love that! Even though, knowing her and taking into account the gift I got her she was more than likely half baked. I was never too into smoking. I mean don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t necessarily pass it up if it was offered, but I always felt like the biggest looser ever afterwords. I guess I have a conscious when it comes to drugs.

_I bet that’s gonna be awesome!_

I had barely typed that when headlights flared through the front window. Quickly I added;

_Got to go, he just got here. Talk to you later!_

Hitting send I stood up and took long steps to the door. The doorbell sounded and I felt a bit like I had failed to catch it. It was the same feeling as when you pump gas and try to stop it at an even dollar and go like a penny over. Those little OCD annoyances that made no sense but still agitated you were killer. Still I forced a warm grin as I opened the door.

I was looking down into the unamused eyes of Levi. He stood stiffly and looked out of place as I waved him in. Skin tight jeans and a white button down were paired with black boots and a leather jacket. The guy took a few steps and looked around like most people do as they take in the sheer size of my place. To my surprise he didn’t say a word as he slid off his jacket and hung it on the hooks displayed by the light switch. The guy must come from money to know to do that.

“So…” I said as I walked a little past him. “Coffee is this way, I have tea too.” Fuck was I awkward. Ah well, I mean what could the guy expect at a nine o clock at night drag me out of bed hang out request.

“Good, I’ll take some black tea if you have it.” He said and we walked side by side past a hall of framed pictures. I caught his eyes grazing those long gone moments as the cave of cold colors that was my kitchen over took us. He took a seat as I grabbed two cups and spun the carousal in search of his tea.

“Tell me about Eren Jaeger.” He said bluntly and I felt a wave of ‘oh holy shit’ wash over me.

“Can I ask why first?” I countered and Levi sighed as he brought a hand up to his chin and leaned on it. I saw a few extra creases in his forehead. Was he nervous? That had to be it! I slid the pod into the machine and hit go. The sucking sputtering sounds filled the room.

“He has an certain interest in me that has peeked my own curiosity.” Levi said slowly as if he was selecting each word pretty damn carefully. His advice from last night hit me and I realized the innocent one he was talking about was Eren… Shit face Eren that pissed his pants in third grade. The super competitive, determined and frisky little guy who helped me finally soak in calculus. We were sunflowers together in our kindergarten play and now an older male, a stripper at that, was asking about him in my kitchen in the middle of the night. What the fuck was my life?

“Well.” I said dryly as his cup finished and I handed it to him. “He is feisty, and has a smart mouth…” The laugh that flickered across Levi’s face clearly said he knew that much. I went back to make my own cup of Coconut Crème coffee.

“His mom died two years ago in a fire. He has an adopted sister, Mikasa. Their Dad is always gone, like mine.” I looked away, trying to think of things to say to make Eren look good. I didn’t want to be the reason Levi turned tail. “We actually were super close then fell apart and we kind of reconnected today actually. I didn’t know he was gay until I saw him last night.” Levi nodded, as if he gathered that much. It was so hard trying to think of things he didn’t know already. I had no clue what his depth of knowledge was.

“He has a heart of gold and its hard for him to trust, but when he lets you in…he lets you in deep.” I lifted my cup and poured creamer into it. “Loyal to the bone, sensitive under this fake bravado and crazy fearless are all good ways to describe him.” I nodded as I took a sip, quite pleased with myself.

“I think he talks big and doesn’t grasp what he means when he says idiotic things about life.” Levi said in a flat tone that peeked my own curiosity. I decided to leave it be. Levi didn’t look like the type to fall for information fishing.

“That’s all true. But he has that fire in him, you know?” I added thinking back to him trying out for basketball and failing twice before finally making the cut. “Half of life is just not giving up. And I’m pretty sure Eren has some extra ‘don’t give up’ chromosome.” The sweet, slightly exotic taste filled my mouth again as Levi shrugged and looked away.

“So he isn’t the type to have…obsessive fads?” He asked and I looked at him in silence. “Trends and phases.” He added for clarification. My eyes went wide. Levi thought Eren was just in a phase. That made sense because of our age. Maybe he even thought his affection for him was a fleeting thing. I cleared my throat.

“He knows who he is and what he wants.” I said as I sat my cup down and leaned against the island. “He never had a phase. Always he was this trigger happy tripwire of enthusiasm and big dreams. All of his life he’s been the exact same way. Obsessive, hell yeah but shallow or one to jump from one thing to the next-“ I tossed my arm out a bit and shook my head. Levi looked like he physically crumbled a bit.

I sighed and slid into the chair next to him. “He likes you. All of the friends that know he’s gay tease him about you. Your not some secret or weird daydream.” I laughed as I looked down. “Although he probably does daydream about you if I know his space cadet ass.” A thin smirk slithered over his face as he looked over at me.

“When do you know to go for it?” He shook his head and laid his face in his palm. “Look at me! Asking a snot nosed kid about this…” He let a breath out and it was a sound I knew too well. Frustration, confusion, second guessing, self loathing…. I bumped him with my shoulder.

“Hey, gramps! My nose is not snotty, thank you very much.” That drew out a chuckle. I shrugged as I spoke to break the silence. “Armin told me they were going to go sleep over at someone’s house tonight.”

Levi gave me a raised eyebrow as he took a sip of tea with no sugar. “Oh, did he tell Jean or Skullface?”

I rolled my eyes and flicked him off. “Of course he doesn’t know its me.”

Levi laughed dryly as he nodded “You know what kid? We are pretty fucked up. We both have some crazy love life shit going on.” He looked around as he unbuttoned the cuffs of his shirt. I could see his shoulders slope and his face slide into some kind of softer state. Relation was tangible in the air as a warm feeling slid like syrup over me and the melancholy stripper. I looked in his eyes and knew, in that moment right there, that we had become friends. He took a breath to speak when a friggin fog horn sounded and my door crashed open.

In slid Connie fucking Springer blasting an air horn and looking up the stairs. He was in a blue onesie and in a matching pink one Sasha did a risky business style slide into my house. My eyes widened as Connie yelled in sing song tone “JEAN IS BACK!” immediately Sasha cupped her hands and yelled on beat “BACK AGAIN!” Connie echoed “JEAN IS BACK…” and who busted into the picture but a black tank top and gym short clad Eren fucking Jaeger as he screamed “AND HES OUR FRIEND!” They all looked around and laughed until their eyes fell on me.

Well me and Levi.

Eren’s eyes got the size of saucers and I swear he went casper pale as Mikasa, Armin, Christa, Reiner and Ymir all appeared in a fan around him. Armin’s Kroger bag hit the floor with a thud.

I was so fucked.


	7. [Bonus Chapter] Waves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened to bring Eren and Levi to Jean's that night?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!!!!  
> -throws confetti and glitter- This story has a over a thousand views! To celebrate I whipped up something special for you little heathens.  
> Here is a bit of back story to what brought Levi to Jean's door that night. It is in a different POV than I usually write in so that was refreshing.  
> I really do love reading and responding to the comments and such. It makes me super happy and I am so thankful for them!  
> To show my thanks and to give y'all a special prize, here is some other perspective on the story that comes with some tongue ;]  
> Warnings; implied kink, traumatic memory, teasing, homophobic language.

 

Eren loved the rain. It was especially amazing when it was warm and it felt like the world bathing you as if trying to make up for all of the nasty grime it piled onto you. He stood, his hair sticking to his forehead and hands gripping the railing of the bridge. The water was invisible, pulled into the lacey grip of night, but the bubbling and lapping against rocks could be heard. Mikasa hated the rain and according to her it felt like being pissed on. Eyes the shade of jade mixed with turquoise looked down into the calming abyss. Headlights zoomed by, slowing down to gawk a bit before moving on.

The lights from an apartment complex about a thousand feet away kept him pretty well lit. A brown leather bomber jacket was keeping most of him dry. For most people it was odd to stand on a bridge in the rain, but not to Eren. This was part of his plan. Really, he didn’t have time for this. The day had been busy but amazing. One of his closest friends turned eighteen. The party had been awesome. He even reconnected with his old friend Jean a bit. But now he ditched his two best friends at his house and drove to a bridge to wait. He sighed looking down at the text he was keeping pulled up on his phone for motivation.

_**Levi:** I don’t want to see you again._

The sound of teeth grinding filled Eren’s brain as he internally growled. Bullshit! This guy was acting like they fucked or something. Too angry to even blush he took a deep breath and held it. So he might have gone into a rage and drove to Levi’s. Well, as close as he could get. He didn’t technically know where Levi lived… All he knew was it was one of those townhouses. And he knew that Levi he was rehearsing at the bar. Which meant he would drive home across this bridge and confront Eren.

Eren wasn’t one for manipulation and for not respecting someone’s space. If he really believed that Levi didn’t want to see him, he would stop. But he knew that wasn’t true. The little asshole was just being a coward! Levi said he needed proof, that he needed something tangible. Well, was standing like a sentential in a rainstorm by your house tangible enough? Eren wouldn’t give up. He knew this would be a fucked up situation the second he saw the stripper walking to him for a private show... Eren had never had a lap dance before.

The rules were explained to him; don’t touch, pay up front and do not touch. He didn’t know until later that Levi running his hands through Eren’s chestnut hair and tilting his chin up was abnormal. Having never grinded before, it didn’t strike him as odd or weird that the outline of Levi’s own cock in his tight leather shorts was noticeable. Even the fact that occasionally Levi’s hips slid down to graze his own as if curiously probing for clues slid by the oblivious boy.

None of this struck Eren as odd or really even out of routine. That was, until there was a crumpled up piece of paper that a had been snuck into his pocket with simply a number written across it. The cocky bastard didn’t have to put his name, knowing he would be remembered. But that was Levi for you. Stoic and successful at everything on the outside… but inside was the guy who got told no hundreds of times before he got good. Eren was no idiot, he knew Levi was like this because he’d been hurt. It didn’t take a genius to figure that out, and as we already established, Eren was pretty dense.

The same thing got thrown up against Eren’s every opinion and shred of advice; his age. So what if he was seventeen? He’d been through a lot, practically anything you should spit out at him. But no, it didn’t matter if he was right or wrong because it wouldn’t even sink into Levi’s thick skull. Late nights and even during school texts turned into dinners and movies and just when Eren worked up the nerve to move in for a kiss, Levi changed it to lean in and hug. Knowing Levi was obviously no prude, he was left with the resounding fact that it was simply he didn’t like Eren enough to kiss him.

Still, someone, most likely Ymir and Christa, had gotten Eren another lap dance last night. After two days of silence he had the man he’d been on dates with writhing and sweating in his lap again… then more silence. Ugh it was maddening! Hot, cold, on, off… Now he got this text? That wasn’t going to happen. Eren wouldn’t put up with it. If Levi had a good reason for this, it would be told to Eren’s face. He deserved that much, right?

Just like Levi deserved someone fighting for him. Eren knew the whole staff of the bar served in Iraq together. The war left some scars on Levi. He handled himself well but they were there. So was the fact Levi had always been cheated on. Not one single breakup was mutual with him, Eren had learned that much. Of course it was painfully obvious Levi was not easy to care about. But this wasn’t about what was easy, or even right and wrong. This was about wants. Eren wanted Levi. Levi wanted Eren. But as usual the rocks and drop offs of life had turned this beautiful quite, bubbling brook of a romance that should be easy and refreshing into some white rapid ride from hell.

Life dealt one too many shitty cards to the wrong person. It seemed like all his life Eren was either pushing people away or reaching out desperately just a fraction of a second too late. Looking down to the deep winding curves along his palm that looked like some map Eren thought about just how literal that saying was. He closed his eyes and tried not to remember hearing his mother scream as flames tore through her flesh like tissue paper. Turns out door knobs get as hot as branding irons and leave burns just as bad. Mikasa and a firefighter named Hannes pulled Eren away, and Eren still remembered fighting to keep his grip on the red hot gateway to his mother. The skin stuck and trailed in strings like cheese as he was physically torn away. He was done letting people slip away. Levi was worth fighting for…

Tonight, he was ready for war.

Screeching brakes jerked the boy out of his thoughts as he looked up to see bright headlights as a figure approached. Being lit from behind, it was easy to forget how short Levi was. His presence seemed huge, and that was half because he was pissed off probably. “What the hell Eren?!” Levi shot at him as he neared, closing the gap.

“You don’t get to tell me you don’t want to see me over text.” Eren said, lowering his chin and looking to the man. God did Levi look good in loose sweats and a hoodie. Eren was right, he had been practicing.

“Well, I don’t want to see you. Now go home.” Levi said and Eren could hear layer upon layer of venom and bitterness in his voice. For some reason he thought of all the times him and Jean had almost come to blows over stupid misunderstandings and ego. Turns out it was all because of Jean’s massive battles with depression and anxiety. That’s when the foggy image of Levi’s motives came into focus. Eren flung his arms around the smaller man and spoke against his ear.

“If you don’t want to see me again… fine. But” Eren swallowed as his voice wavered. “Don’t protect me from you because you’re scared of hurting me. I know what I want and it is you, okay? Don’t be an egotistical jerk! Let me make my own choices here. It’s my heart and they are my lips and I can do whatever the hell I want with him…” He said pulling back and looking at Levi, “And I want it to be with you.” Levi’s eyes were the widest Eren had ever seen them as his hands fell limp to his sides. This was it! That shell was crumbling.

“I have this friend Jean who I was so fucking pissed at for years.” Eren began arms still around Levi as the sound of rain fell like drum beats and headlights zoomed past. “He was cruel, pushy, cold…” Eren swallowed. “But we talked today and I realized he just had issues to work through. He was not really like that, he was just reacting to the world. You’re doing the same thing. Don’t react to this fucked up world…” This time it was Eren turning Levi’s chin up. “React to me.”

A darkness crept into Levi’s eyes that were all too much like fire as his hands slid up and grabbed Eren’s. One slid up the wet coat and to Eren’s neck. Eren was jerked close to Levi, fairly hard. Where was the Nicholas Sparks kiss? Was this passion? It was scary and off. Like the monster under the bed version of passion…

“Are you sure you want me to react to you?” Levi’s deep voice cooed so close to Eren’s neck that thick, wet breath clutched at his skin begging to be felt. Was this some sort of scare tactic? Eren wasn’t going to fall for it. He bravely locked eyes and straightened his spine with confidence. Moving a fraction of an inch closer, he shamelessly let his eyes drift down to Levi’s lips as the water beaded on them.

“Try me…” Was all that Eren managed to breathlessly mutter as he looked into those stormy eyes that contrasted that calm face so beautifully.

That’s when the hair at the base of his neck was pulled and he winced, tilting his head back with the force. His neck extended as his arms grabbed at Levi for balance. He felt a nose against his neck as that same steamy breath returned but closer than ever. It pulled shivers to the surface of skin. Already it was like Levi had some kind of strings leading from Eren to him in a total puppet master way. Eren felt his chest shiver as he exhaled a shaky breath. He was thrown off guard for sure but that didn’t mean he was going to break eye contact. Eren had way more will power than that.

Levi’s fist nestled into his shirt as he shoved him back into the railing. “Do you know what a real relationship even means?” Levi asked darkly. Eren looked at him, unsure what to say but while his eyes held confusion they held zero fear. Eren leaned against the rail and used it to push himself out a bit, bucking against Levi as he grabbed his hoodie.

“Shut up and show me then!” Eren half growled as him and Levi stared each other down as if they were about to rip each other from limb to limb and leave this purifying rain to wash the spots in the pavement where they once stood. Eren watched Levi’s chest rise and lock as he held a breath captive.

In a massive crash Levi rolled over Eren like a tsunami. He felt a hand grasping at the side of his hair as hot kisses full of breath rolled over his neck. All too aware of the hand up his shirt and caressing above his navel he felt his knees go numb and weak as he let out what he thought was a sigh, it was a shameless moan.

“I can take you right here…” He said as he slid his tongue up and back down the vein that was showing. Cars crept by slowly, headlights lingering. Eren felt like he was breathing water, it took so much effort to inhale and remember to breathe out so that he didn’t suffocate. Literally he was drowning in Levi. “You think I care who sees?” Levi said pressing his hips into Eren. “You want me to show you?” Eren listened as Levi began to whisper.

“Love is fucked up. I’ll take everything from you, promise you the world and fuck you until you can’t move… I’ll make you treasure my name. We will make plans. I’ll frame pictures….” He said giving small kisses and running his hand up and down Eren’s body tracing the outline of muscle. Eren thought it sounded wonderful, not too fucked up at all.

“Then I will move the fuck on and leave you wrecked and broken. Then you’ll look for someone else and the whole thing starts over. Besides…” Levi pulled away and looked Eren in the face. “Would you bring your faggot stripper slut of a boyfriend to dinner?” Levi slid his arms around Eren and pressed his whole body against him. Eren could feel how hard he was through his pants. Still, instead of savoring it he pushed him back just enough to see him.

“I don’t give a shit.” Eren said and grabbed Levi’s face. “Fuck my shit up. Wreck me. Let’s cause a riot and make my Dad’s Ugly Sweater Christmas party one to remember?” Eren said with a chuckle, trying to light the situation. It had the opposite effect.

“Eren…” Levi said and Eren could feel his resolve break as Levi looked to the ground. “I’m not up for it. For any of it…” Levi took a step back and Eren began to feel the rain grow hotter against his skin. He could picture the glow of those orange yellow flames against Levi’s face. He was slipping away. “I won’t be your ‘am I gay’ fuck toy of an experiment. I won’t be someone to be used to piss off your Dad.”

Eren focused on how this couldn’t happen. He could feel shreds of himself peeling away from Levi as the moment was carving its way between them. “Wait.” Eren said and grabbed Levi’s arm.

“It’s all about choice right?” Eren asked and Levi stared blankly. “At least take some time. You know what I want. I know how you can be… We can take it slow. Just, all I ask is that you keep getting to know me, I keep getting to know you and-“ Eren pulled at the arm, bringing Levi closer. Close enough for a kiss… “I’ll let you know when I realize that you are as big of a jerk as you think you are.”

Something like relief mixed with dread filled Levi’s face as he sighed and laid his forehead against Eren’s.

“Deal, you persistent little shit.”

Eren laughed and looked up through wet hair. “You know I’ve never been kissed?” He said and Levi slid an arm around him as the rain picked up a happier rhythm against their clothes.

“Why do you think I went for the neck?” Levi said and they both laughed lightly. Eren felt a tug and Levi was leading him off of the bridge and to their cars.

“Go home, get warm… have fun with your friends.” Levi said running a hand through his damp hair.

“I have to go visit someone.” He finished as he pulled out his phone.


	8. Ice Cream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean starts to understand more than a few things finally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me in advance for the angst, okay?  
> I made a [playlist](http://8tracks.com/figureitoutbruh/thyself-soundtrack) for this fic that I will keep updating, and that is super fun! As always feel free to check out my [tumblr](http://figureitoutbruh.tumblr.com/)! I try to post updates as well as new art, playlists or even drabbles. Enjoy!

I let my eyes drift closed in sheer concentration. There had to be a way out of this. My breath withdrew into my chest like a turtle into a shell as I stood up, gripping the cold marble of the island. Could I lie? _Yeah Jean, lie your ass of. Come on! Think of something…._ I opened my eyes to see the looks on their faces. It was way worse than I expected. Of course Sasha and Connie were a bit confused, but Armin looked so terrified. Like genuinely soaked head to toe in fear to the point it dripped from him. That hurt…it wiped my mind clean of any possible alibi I could have shot out.

I don’t know exactly when Armin became so important; maybe this was just childish obsession. Hormonal infatuation or something like that was a likely culprit. Getting caught didn’t matter, losing my job was totally okay. Loosing friends even could be tolerable. Just not him, okay? It was like him being hurt was hurting me. I was scared for him. If only it was me absorbing the pain and fear instead of just sharing it like a useless jerk. I saw Armin reach out and grab Eren’s arm as he looked down, fists clenched.

That’s when Mikasa crossed the space silently and swiftly. She wasn’t exactly running or moving fast at all really. It was kind of like she glided to us in this intense way with such a cold look on her face that it made my stomach clench in apprehension. Her thin pale fingers locked around my upper arm with way more of a grip than I was expecting. I was floored to see her gripping Levi the same way. She looked up to Levi with a darkened coldness in her eyes that was a deep, deep distain not even attempted to be disguised. Seeing her and Levi so close, both staring at each other with this bored, cold, hateful glare I realized how a like that they must be.

It made a bit more sense really. Eren must be used to fishing signs of affection out of distant and guarded people. Was that how he was able to work his way under Levi’s skin? I shot my eyes back to Armin who was now watching with a hand on Eren’s shoulder. I felt a hand on my face as Mikasa grabbed my face like I was a child. “Explain.” She said coldly and I knew that I was done for. Me getting fucked up or called out was okay, but for someone messed up reason Levi was caught in my lies. I glanced over to see Ymir and Christa whispering. What if they got dragged in too? My charade could shred this stable group of friends in two.

“I’m his cousin.” Levi said flatly. I shot Levi a glance and he didn’t even look at me. “Jaqueline was my aunt. I’ve known Jean for a while.” He said and I looked from him to Mikasa as the Mexican standoff continued. My eyes flickered to the group, Ymir and Christa were listening, obviously aware that this was bullshit. Levi continued, “The way that dick head husband of hers treated her in the end caused some family friction and I haven’t been over in a while…” My eyes widened. How did he know any of that?! My mom’s name, that she died…. That my dad had a girlfriend before she was even officially diagnosed as terminal. It hit me that we had a pink cancer ribbon flag a plague saying her name in the hall. God was this son of a bitch observant and a class A bullshitter. Mikasa raised an eyebrow and I saw Eren deflate a bit, as if the rage was gushing out of him like a fish tank with cracked glass.

“Yeah he’s told me about him before.” A voice spoke up and I turned to see a nervous Connie in his hooded blue onesie strolling over casually. He held his hand up at an angle for one of those manly low high five handshakes, which meant Mikasa would have to let go of his arm. Connie looked me in the eye and nodded. The boy had no clue who this was or why the air was tense, but he was backing up the story. Why? Because Connie Springer is stupid loyal, and doesn’t think once let alone twice and I love the big eared fucker more than air. I felt some tension roll off of me as if I was shedding skin as Sasha came up and hugged Levi, making him spill his tea.

“I’m Sasha!” She said as she leaned back and gave this wide smile. There was a swimming suspicion behind her eyes though. I remembered her warm embrace from earlier and the reality that they were covering for me to smooth over drama so that we could all be together slid over my mind in a fog. A sharp shove from Connie to my shoulder made me look to Connie as he smiled and pointed to Levi with a thumb, clearing his throat.

“Oh, right!” I said as I set my coffee down and threw and arm over a clearly uncomfortable Levi. “This is Levi, my cousin!” The words kind of spilled out as I mimicked Connie’s cheerful and cool bravado. “Don’t let the resting bitch face fool you, he’s the shit!” With that the others shuffled in setting bags of ice cream, cake and soda on the counter. I watched Reiner and his friend Bert strike up conversation immediately as Annie and Mikasa paired off in a corner. Everyone was moving in, milling around like expected except for that blonde mop of hair I was looking for. I spotted it by the stairs and strained my neck halfheartedly hugging Christa. Armin and Eren where whispering as Eren flailed his hands and Armin listened with a hand on his chin, nodding and throwing in the odd word now and then.

That’s when aqua eyes locked with mine and I could feel the heat from Eren’s glare from across the house. He turned heel and jogged up the stairs. I felt a rumble in my chest as I realized I needed some kind of damage control. I just needed to explain to Eren that I didn’t know he was Levi’s mystery guy. I felt a spark in my chest as it clicked- I could shove the two idiots together like flint to make a fire! My feet moved before my heart committed and I began crossing my way to the stairs. In the hall I saw a picture of a tower of flowers in pink and white at my mom’s funeral with her name on it. Damn was that guy perceptive and one to pay close attention.

I stopped at Armin who had his head against the wall, staring up as he held a Kroger bag like the weight of the world was in it, not Neapolitan ice cream and maraschino cherries. I slid my hands in my pockets and looked up shyly. “He’s the kid Levi’s been ranting about?” I asked and Armin’s eyes didn’t even widen. He knew, I knew… soon everyone would. This situation was so tangled it was like all of us were noodles in a pot tied and mingling in and out in an inseparable sticky mess. He nodded running a hand over his temple like he had a headache. I bet he was wondering if I knew about him, since I knew about Eren… Levi and him performed on the same nights all the time. Was Armin feeling caught too? I smiled kindly and shoved him a bit with my elbows.

“Hey…” I began as I swallowed and those deep blue eyes locked with mine and for just a second I lost myself. “I’ll go smooth it over. Don’t worry, it’s not as bad as you think…” I couldn’t even finish my sentence because the look of relief and hope in his eyes as they widened and those honey brown eyebrows peeked just shook my brain around a bit too much for it to work right. Were my hands sweating?

“Thank you, Jean…” He said and I shrugged, laying a hand on his shoulder. His shirt was so soft, it felt like some kind of jersey knit or some shit spun straight from clouds. That smell of clean, crisp spring with a layer of sweetness and a hint of soap hit me again.

“Anytime.” I said and me and Armin locked eyes. I saw his throat move as he swallowed and the line of his Adams apple hovered and dipped. The awkward flavor of tension filled the air as he looked at my hand on his shoulder and red crept across his nose and over his cheeks. I was being weird again. “I-I’ll go see how he is.” Armin nodded and as I turned I felt a warm, firm soft glow of touch on my hand.

“Be easy on him?” Armin asked and took a breath to explain. I cut him off with a nod as I grabbed his hand in return and squeezed it. Fuck did it feel good to touch him. It was pleasure on this emotion level. Like how chocolate or a glass of wine feels, the taste completely taken out of the equation. It was a treat, a looked forward to symbol of enjoyment that was to be simply done for the sheer experience of it, all other benefits aside. Armin was my new luxury.

I made my way up to the stairs with an eerie awareness of my house knowing that there was an angry Jaeger around one of these turns and that was not something you faced lightly. I looked around noticing all the doors were still closed. Either he was barricaded in one those rooms or…. I sped up seeing my bedroom door wide open, which was not how I left it. I stepped in, by back now to my bathroom door as I looked over to my king sized bed to see Jaeger face down in some weird semi mental breakdown. _Get it together Jean! What’s your story here?_

Eren flipped onto his back and looked at my vaulted ceilings like they were the cosmos and held answers he was fighting so hard for. Quietly I moved to sit by him and tossed myself back, my hands folded on my chest. “Did you know?” He asked and I sighed as I looked over at him.

“I knew Levi liked someone he felt that he couldn’t have. I didn’t know it was you until tonight.” I said, mostly telling the truth. I felt the need to talk so this silence wouldn’t cave in on us. Plus he was sure to have questions, right? “He texted me out of the blue asking if he could talk…. Apparently he needed advice about something only I could help him with.” I let my eyes look over Eren’s face as it seemed placid. Was he seriously about to have a meltdown? Eren was all fire and loud talk and spice. Silent Eren was way scarier and much more deeply concerning.

When he smiled I knew everything was either totally okay or fucked up beyond repair. He turned his head as chestnut hair fell over covering half of his forehead. “I used you as an example telling him about how I understood what he was going through. I guess it clicked you were the one I meant. We… kind of had a fight tonight.” He looked to the bed. “I mean we ended up laughing and stuff but it was pretty heavy…” Eren smirked as he looked at me, the trademark intensity returning to his gaze when he shot up and leaned in closer. “What did you tell him?!”

I laughed as I sighed, if that was even possible. “Good things, don’t worry. I think you’re doing pretty good getting through to him… just keep at it.” I said and suddenly fists were clenched in my shirt as Eren hovered over me. Someone was hanging around Mikasa and Levi too much! I writhed a little, not happy at all about the closeness or the weight of his arms on my ribs.

“So help me Jean, if you fuck this up for me…” He trailed with murderous righteousness liked the fanned flames of purgatory themselves. I leaned up, letting Eren’s elbows slide off of me and I retreated back and away a bit, not too okay with Eren being that much inside my personal bubble.

“Relax Jaeger. Trust me, it’s all okay. “ Why was I playing captain damage control today? Exactly when did I give two flying fucks about Eren and his love life? Still as much as I was internally bitching about the situation, the relief and hope dancing behind his eyes was more than enough to make my chest tighten with a job well done and happiness by proxy. I patted his back and ruffled the back of the shorter boy’s hair. “C’mon.” I said a little softly. “You have you a man to romance down there.” I swear his face lit up like a puppy on a chase.

We walked down stairs to some happy beat I didn’t know filling the speakers and the fridge opened mid pillage session. Connie was on someone’s iPod, doubtlessly choosing the music as his girlfriend laid out what I’m sure was a six course snack fest. They were good at making themselves at home. Looking around I saw Reiner lounging on a couch with Bert and Annie as they listened to Levi who had perched cross legged in an armchair. Armin and Mikasa were off with Ymir and Christa whispering no doubt in speculation about what was occurring upstairs. All of these people I cared for where filling up my home and making it buzz with motion and layers of ambient background conversation. By making themselves at home, they made me feel at home too.

As Eren meandered over to Armin and Mikasa I felt a tug at the back of my shirt and I turned to see large eyes, large ears and a large grin as Connie leaned in close. “I covered for your like a fucking boss!” He said and put his hands on my shoulders. “Spill it you spikey haired bastard.” He demanded as he looked around in a very paranoid way before whispering. “He isn’t like…” Connie bit his lip a bit. “The new Marco?” My eyes widened as my jaw dropped a bit.

“What?” I asked as I felt my eyebrows wrinkle and my forehead get more layers than Jaba the Hut on Pizza night. Connie was my best friend! He was there through… Through it all. He had to see everything evolve and followed the roller coaster of ups and downs that come with love. Connie was there for it all. Connie knew. And he never said a damn word?! “Y-you knew?” I asked and Connie rolled his eyes.

“Umm…” He trailed as he sighed. “Yeah dude. I’m your best friend. I knew all right…” A look of steely sadness flickered over his eyes and I remembered Connie dressed in black as he told me he couldn’t imagine my loss. He couldn’t, because Marco wasn’t his lover. I was jerked out of the thoughts of ebony ties and black umbrella’s in a cold autumn rain by a shake of his hands. “Don’t freak. It doesn’t matter. I mean I was weirded out by it in like sixth grade but, you know, you’re my main man no matter if you like men. Or chicks.” He slapped my shoulder roughly. “As long as you aren’t with someone who treats you bad I have so much chill about whoever you want to be with.” That’s when weight fell over my back and the smell of cream soda and marijuana hit me as pink fleece clad arms pulled me in. Sasha threw one arm around Connie and one around me.

“Let’s break this top secret discussion up for a bit.” She said softly as she gestured her head over to Eren and everyone talking to a seated Levi like he was the new kid in the class. How awkward must that guy feel? We were way younger than him. Really he must care a lot for Eren to throw himself into this strange of a situation. Sasha pressed her lips to Connie’s temple as she slid her arms around him and whispered “They might catch on to our diabolical plans…” There was a tone of velvet and smoke to her voice that reared its head and made me feel painfully out of place. Connie smiled this terribly ridiculous grin like a kid being served a platter of candy and nuzzled into her neck. As happy as I was for each of them it physically hurt to see it.

“Conman-“ I began as he looked up on cue. “Get everyone set up by the big screen downstairs in the game room. I am going to go use the bathroom...” Connie shot me a pleading glance. He knew I was avoiding everyone. But he nodded and stood up, corralling everyone like a sheep dog. Not only did he know how to turn on the home theatre system, he knew exactly why I was running.

I wasn’t running from something exactly. I was running aimlessly. I used to have such a concrete destination when panic and the hammering of seemingly out of control anxiety slapped around my chest like tentacles of a Kraken gnawing at a ship. I ran to Marco. He was this light in my life that beamed like the sun itself.

There was no drama. We didn’t argue too much, mostly about parents or whether or not to come out. I always pushed him so damn hard. He always took the kindest and most people pleasing route. I didn’t appreciate that enough about him. I closed the door of the guest bathroom behind me as I leaned against the door and slid down.

_“Just wait until I get my arms around you again baby.”_

That was the last thing Marco Bodt said to anyone. I called him on a Thursday morning to bitch about my dad before we saw each other at school. He hung up to drive to school. He was such a saint he didn’t even talk on the phone and drive.

A saint who ended up crushed and bloody as he was ripped in half by the force of running into a telephone pole to avoid a drunk driver. Marco died alone. Died alone to save some fucking drunk who stayed out all night partying. That was just such a Marco thing to do. To die to spare someone…

There was no drama and dragged out good byes like with my mother. He was just snatched away. It felt like a sick joke for weeks. As if he would pop out and apologize as he scratched the back of his neck like always did when he felt guilty. I felt sick as I remembered imagining him lying on some metal slab like from CSI. My Marco was cold and alone somehow, somewhere and I was helpless. That image and those thoughts never got any easier.

News spread and when it reached me I fell screaming to the floor of Sina Academy. Thinking back was surreal. Now that I remember it so many people offered help and support. I was a shell of shellshock and sorrow. It slid off of me and into an abyss to be forgotten. It wasn’t that people didn’t care, they truly tried. They just weren’t what or who I wanted… no, who I needed.

I’d still give anything to see the peppering of freckles on tan skin that was always just a few shades warmer than me. What if he was here? Fuck, why did I feel like I cheating on my dead boyfriend by having feelings for an old mutual friend? I looked across the spacious half bath bathroom and I could almost see Marco there with his dark hair hanging in his eyes as he mimicked my posture of an upright fetus against the wall hugging his knees. I could see the knowing smirk. He’d be silently scolding me for being antisocial yet being there for support and not judging me. Tenderness and gold would flake through amber eyes as he stared me down with that gaze that could speed up, slow or stop my heart at will. Those eyes had a softness that could slay my demons and coax me into anything. Bravery, laughter, volunteer work…bed… I was led helpless wherever those eyes wandered and gave in to what they wanted with the joyous surrender of trust.

Marco was here with me. I could feel that flare of a stubborn kindness and tender understanding caresses flow over my heart. My soul was ablaze with invisible fires stoked from half a world away. It was then that I knew I would never fall out of love with Marco. I had been running in the dark from everyone and everything as life moved on and I stayed like a statue locked into place.

For six weeks we thought Marco was moving to Michigan with his Dad. It felt like the end of the world, but Marco kept a bright front up and made me promise to move on and to write. As I stared at the wall trying to summon the dead it wove into reality that Marco wouldn’t want any of this. Me grieving for four years, me not moving on, this rift between friends that had continued for way too long and this heaviness in my heart were all things Marco would have hated. Suddenly I saw those fingers laced with constellations of freckles held with an open hand in front of my face. It was time to stand up. Time to stand up in more ways than one; I was alive still. Someday maybe I’d see Marco again but the best thing I could do for him and myself today was to get on my feet and fix myself a bowl of ice cream and watch this movie.

It’s okay to laugh, to have fun. Pain isn’t some offering to the dead. A vibrant life, a legacy of memories and funny stories and inside jokes is what the dead and the living both need. Part of me died with Marco Bodt. The boy I was then was gone. But the boy standing in this mirror was becoming better. This Jean, from these past two days, was helping people. He was keeping secrets and flirting and had gotten a job. He had made new friends. This person I was becoming was someone Marco would be proud of. No, I couldn’t live a full life carrying the weight of lost love around like a stone. But I could live a life to make Marco proud.

I closed the door behind me softly as I slid my way to the kitchen.


	9. Renovations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean over commits, gets mothered by Christa and has to dodge Mikasa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was a bit hard to write and super slow paced but it addresses where some more of the group stands. I really do love Mikasa and she kind of establishes herself here. Let me know what you think!

I don’t know exactly what I was expecting but as everyone piled onto the huge sectional in the basement and let the menu for some cheesy horror movie play on repeat as they shoveled snacks and ice cream in their mouths I caught myself smiling. Most people would probably be expecting a booze heavy party but here we were, oh so content with a simple sugar high. Everyone slightly paired off in conversation but that didn’t bother me too much. I was incredibly lucky to have these guys. I mean sure there was drama and secrets but that was to be expected. 

Reiner, Bert, Annie, Ymir and Christa were all in a heated debate about feminism and how school uniforms over sexualized girls. Connie and Sasha were in this rare type of serious moment off on the chaise lounge part of the couch. Sasha was under Connie’s arm and his hand was tracing over her nose, her delicate jaw, her ears. The look on his face was so sickly sweet. Connie rarely had such a serious gaze, and it was even more rare for Sasha to have this awestruck blush on her face. Her hand was on the back of his neck, rubbing soft circles. Those two totally accepted each other and the weirdness that came with them. I never really dwelled on it much because they seemed so perfect for each other but there had to be some level of serious and adult to them. I mean Connie had made vulgar jokes and Im pretty sure I’ve walked in on him touching himself a few times but picturing Sasha having those kinds of urges felt about foreign as a UFO. 

Sasha was from a swanky family who owned some wine orchards and made a living wheeling and dealing in the upper crust. Connie’s mom was a waitress. I never thought about the pressure he must feel. I knew he was the type to mask his feelings with a joke and to just carry on like normal but I wondered if he ever had issues or drama with Sasha. He’d never mentioned it to me… Had I been a bad friend? I never really was there for Connie. Our friendship was more about distractions and light hearted talks but as soon as the opportunity showed itself he took a proverbial bullet for me. It wasn’t so much that I wanted to pay him back, I just wanted to be there for him like he was for me. 

I pulled my eyes from the tender moment to throw them over to Eren, Levi, Mikasa and Armin. Eren was explaining how his dad planned renovations. My dad and Dr. Jaeger were pretty close in that carry the same country club membership way. They respected each other and occasionally played golf together. Currently my dad was on a six week business trip to China. Eren’s Dad was in Sweden on vacation and had scheduled the house to be repainted, a new porch to be added and the kitchen to be gutted and updated all while he was gone, leaving the kids to endure the noise. Mikasa spoke up, interrupting Eren. “Yeah, its loud but the worst part is the people in and out. It’s sketchy at best.” Of course Mikasa would be worried about safety. 

“I might see if we could get a hotel….” Eren said looking at Levi with a shrug “But then Armin can’t come over.” There was genuine look of concern on Eren’s face and Mikasa nodded as he spoke and I got the feeling that there was way, way more to this than met the eye. 

Armin threw his hands up and shook his head “Don’t suffer through it just for me, you guys. A few weekends at my own house won’t kill me.” The way not only Eren and Mikasa looked at each other but the arch of Levi’s eyebrow kind of sealed the deal for me. For some reason, Armin didn’t want to be at his own house. 

“It might not, but damn your Grandmother might…” Mikasa said and Eren shot her a shut up glare as Armin blushed and looked down. I felt a bit ashamed for forgetting Armin’s parents weren’t around. I didn’t really know the story. His Granddad had been the one who came to all the school functions and such. How could I know so little about this guy? From what I understood he was a pretty happy kid. But obviously there was an infinite amount of stuff I didn’t know about Armin. I felt my stomach tighten as I took a spoon of chocolate and whipped cream into my mouth. Should I do this? I mean my dad loved Jaeger. He’d probably be thrilled I was close to Eren again, plus he’d mentioned how ‘Pretty that daughter of Jaeger’s’ is like five times a year trying to push us together… 

“Um-“ I began as I swallowed and tried to act casual. “I have a five bedroom house that is empty as hell. Just stay with me. My dad’s gone for a few more weeks anyway.” Eren’s head jerked to me and Levi smiled this shit eating smirk. Mikasa raised an eyebrow and Armin just looked blankly at me. Did they know something I didn’t? “Seriously! All three of you can stay here. I’d um” I looked down a bit and saw out of the corner of my eye that Ymir and Christa were holding hands watching me like this was a soap opera or sporting event. “Actually like that a lot.” 

“Well…” Levi said as he crossed his legs and leaned back, shining a knowing grin in my direction before looking back to Eren. “Ask and you shall receive.” Why did I feel like that was innuendo? Eren’s eyes brightened up and he smiled widely. Mikasa looked to Armin and nodded. It was a silent three way conversation as they all looked and shifted their heads and shoulders. It was slightly creepy how close they obviously were. Armin hung his head a shrugged and not even a full second later Eren was leaning over the cup holders to high five me. 

“Thanks man! We will bring our stuff over in the morning!” I high fived him as I felt my stomach lose touch with gravity. Holy shit. Armin would be practically living with me. This would be crazy enough on its own but layer on top the fact I had a secret identity and would have to sneak to and from work while juggling school and this fucked up fake ignorance of everyone’s secret escapades at the bar and I felt the last shred of control in this situation slip away. 

Christa suddenly yelped and I saw Ymir with an empty bowl as a chocolate sauce laden blonde pouted from beside her. “Oh damn.” She said blandly. “Ooops. Jean, will you take Christa to get a shirt of yours?” Christa beamed at me, way too happy for someone who had just been victimized. They were both terrible actresses. I felt my eyebrow twitch in frustration as I set my own bowl down. I stood up sighing and Christa bounced over to me, the fact her shirt had brown and pink smeared all over it not bothering her a bit. I made my way up the first set of stairs and as soon as the basement door closed behind me I felt a small hand grab my wrist. 

“Jean…” she began and I turned to her. So what if part of me was already blocking her out? I appreciated that she cared but I was fully away of how stupid I was being. I really didn’t need to be lectured about it. I guess my frustration was obvious. I learned long ago that my face usually sucked at hiding emotions and it was beacon advertising what I felt in a million watt fashion. Christa sighed as she grabbed my hand and began to lead me upstairs to my own room. I was more than a little confused. 

She slammed the door behind us and reached up, placing her child like hands on either side of my face and leaning in. “You don’t know what your doing, do you?” She asked with her thin eyebrows pushed together as she narrowed her crystal eyes at me. 

I laid my head against the door and raised an eyebrow. “That obvious, huh?” I said with a chuckle and she looked down, a vein almost standing out on her face.

“We…” She said as she sighed. “We just got you back. We don't want to lose you again...” Softly her eyes turned back up to me and she leaned in, pressing her small frame against me as her nose fell just in the middle of my chest. “Armin’s got some baggage. He won’t be easy to love….” Her voice was small and weak as if she was holding back tears. 

Ymir would have walloped me senseless. I guess that’s why she sent her doll to do this. I literally wanted to give the small beam of sunshine anything she wanted. Just, don’t let her voice break. I was begging her to cheer up. What could I do? “Christa, I just… I can’t… I am jumping at every chance to live again.” I said as I cupped one hand over her small face. My hand practically engulfed her. 

“You’re forcing it.” Christa locked eyes with me with a strong resolve. While the girl was practically microscopic she did have a fire in her. It made a strength come over her that reminded me while Christa was kind to her core, she was also fierce in this feminine and rooted way that was legendary in its own right. “That will never work Jean.” 

I let the breath and cheer slide out of myself as she slid her arms around me and held me. It darkly danced over my mind how many boys in my school would kill to have Christa holding them in their bedroom at night. Christa leaned back and peered through long transparent eyelashes as she rubbed her hand up and down my arm. “It’s kind of late to back out now… So just take it one day at a time.” I smiled a half grin that was as awkward as it was forced. “Jean, you can pull this off. Just know that if Ymir hadn’t been able to be my friend first…” He squeezed my arm. “I would have never been able to love her.” 

I gave a half weak nod as I let her stand on her toes and press her lips against my jaw. She was right of course. What did I think, that I could play hero and Armin would be magically suddenly be wanting my company? Christa slid the door closed behind her as she left and I sat on the foot of my bed. I let my shoulders collapse as I crumbled weakly into my own hands. I wasn’t desperate or distraught really…. I was just overwhelmed. 

I wanted to get close to Armin. Truth was, next to Annie and Bert, Armin was the most indifferent to me in our whole group of people. Was being nice to him simply to get closer to him being nice to him at all? Like, that was pretty much a dick move. What if someone wanted to get close to Armin out of attraction alone? I’d hate them instantly! Call them shallow and horny... 

Small sounds in the dark pulled me from my thoughts as I heard giggling and footsteps in the hall outside my room. I silently opened my door to see two figures in the dark. “Shhh, you clumsy idiot.” One said a voice deep and full of bass. I couldn’t make them out; I really just saw a height difference. Could it be Levi and Eren? That’s when the two silhouettes joined in a kiss. It seemed almost drunken with passion and mischief. More giggling escaped as the shorter figure went up into the taller ones neck. As quick as the two shadows came, they vanished into the hall bathroom and I noted that the whole five year out of use streak was broken apparently. I tried to walk down the hall as softly as possible because I really didn’t want whoever that was know I had seen them. 

As I walked down the stairs and into the main floor I saw Mikasa at the fridge as she poured herself a drink. I really didn’t know whether to wave or not. I was pretty shy around her now and it wasn’t even because she could kick my ass. I had a pretty big crush on her as a kid, and it almost ruined mine and Marco’s friendship because he was pretty damn jealous. I avoided her like plague to spare his feelings. Really, I don’t think it bothered her because I’m positive my dopey awkward advances had annoyed her to no end. In some way because of her Marco told me how he felt about me…maybe I’d tell her that one day. I was lost in my own mind a bit as I slid over the kitchen to the door that led down.

“Hey horse face.” I looked over to see her holding an empty glass. “Want some root beer?” she asked and smirked a little. Mikasa was much more than some silent badass. It wasn’t that she was so much stronger than everyone, she was just incredibly loyal. Sure she was strong, but that came from hard work. The work that she did was because of devotion, so in a way she was strong because she cared. She worked hard to repay her family for taking her in with perfect grades and trying her best to keep Eren out of trouble. 

“Sure. “ I said not really a hundred percent how to approach this situation. She let the dark liquid spill into the glass and it foamed right up to edge but didn’t spill over. Setting the glass down she looked at me and gave a small half smile. 

“I get your interest in Eren, I mean Levi talked about him obviously…” She leaned on the counter and slid her body and face closer to mine as her eyes narrowed slightly. “I just don’t understand the way you’ve started talking to Armin.” I must have looked pretty shocked, because I felt floored. Mikasa put her chin in her hand. “I first thought ‘maybe he’s just being nice to everyone.’ But you never really came over to talk to me. So of course you weren’t making rounds trying to be friendly…” She brought her own glass up to her lips and took a drink as I stared at her slack jawed. 

“You are up to something…” She said pointing her index finger at me with a smirk. “But since you have come around, Levi and Eren are talking again, Armin is finally getting over what happened three months ago and now you’re offering for us to stay here…” She smiled at me. I was pretty much confused. “I know you don’t trust me enough to tell me… but it’s causing good things. Let’s keep it like that?” She said and ruffled my hair like I was some kid. Was this a bonding session or a threat? “Thanks for everything. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.” And just like that the half Asian waltzed to the basement as if she had no worries in the world.

I just sighed and felt the usual way I had for the past two days; an anxious mess whose life was gloriously out of control. I was right behind Mikasa as we went down to the basement. I looked around to see Levi now sitting next to Eren, Connie asleep in Sasha’s lap as she munched on Doritos and spoke to Annie and Armin. Ymir was leaned against Christa’s shoulder sleeping so sound that her mouth was open as Christa looked up from her phone waving warmly. If Eren and Levi were here… then who was fucking in my bathroom? I scanned the room and suddenly was aware of the absence of Reiner and Bert. 

I raised an eyebrow at Christa who looked guiltier than a fox in a hen house. She winked at me and pressed her finger to her lips in a hush kind of way. I had not signed up for all of these secrets and love triangles and this spy level bullshit. But seeing a yawn come from Annie as Ymir collapsed into Christa’s lap I couldn’t help but instantly feel this warm glow in my chest squash any anger or annoyance. I was happy they were here. The least I could do was give them some blankets and let the ones who were still awake find their ways to the bedrooms in the other wing of the house. 

“Hey, Captain, gimme a hand with some blankets for the light weights will you?” I asked and was a little confused by how every single persons face snapped up to me in horror. What? Were blankets out of style or something? Then it hit me. I called Levi Captain. I looked over to see him with an annoyed expression as he ran his manicured nails over his eyebrows, inches away from face palming. I had indeed called him Captain…

His stripper name. 

  



	10. Blankets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The dark is a perfect place for stolen kisses and secret meetings, but it can be dangerous too...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took a bit of a chunk of time, sorry for that! It makes up for it in content though :] Let me know what you guys think!  
> As always feel free to check out my[tumblr](http://figureitoutbruh.tumblr.com/) . Comments and questions are love!

I blinked as a very awkward silence floated through the air. Mikasa was starring me down with narrowed eyes as Christa’s mouth hung open. Apparently the blonde under estimated the capacity I had for being a total dumbass. Levi stood up and walked casually over to me, slinking like a cat. He laid a pale hand on my shoulder saying “Geez, lay off the honorifics. Iraq was a long time ago. Feel free to call me sir though.” He said shooting Eren a look and Eren immediately sank into the couch and blushed as all eyes turned to him. Levi was a genius! He played it cool, covered my ass and shifted the rooms focus over to Eren who was painfully obvious in hiding something. Mikasa, however, didn’t seem too fooled. I smirked, feeling a bit feisty and mischievous myself. Plus this idea I had would really make the room gossip about something other than me. It didn’t help I was feeling a bit like cupid. So I spoke up.

“Eren, wanna come with and give us a hand?” The look on Eren’s face was priceless. Christa’s smirk was adorable and the way Armin elbowed Eren in the ribs was encouragement enough to keep going. “I can get the blankets but the two of you might have to make sure the bedrooms are all set.” _Haha! Take that!_ I thought as Mikasa hid a smile and Eren went tomato red. Was I laying it on thick letting everyone know they would be prowling bedrooms in the dark? Possibly. Did I give even half a fuck? Not a chance. With a shaky nod Eren was up and the three of us marched up the stairs.

I have to admit I am kind of jealous of Jaeger. He actually has a chance. Walking with the two of them I felt this buzz of energy and hope. The boy had kisses and romance and God knows what else to look forward to. While Levi could seem cold and over complicated, I got the feeling he was a really good guy. It was kind of saddening in a way. I mean I am totally happy for him, but I want something like that for myself. I missed the flutters and the heart that skipped beats. Was that what this Armin thing was about? Did I want Armin, or did I want just anyone and Armin was just the first to catch my eye? Christa’s talk had messed with my head apparently.

Soon we reached the stairs and they started to take a left, which would take them to the hall with my bedroom and… the bathroom Reiner was getting laid in! I spoke up “Um, I think Levi is taking up the only spare bedroom on that side…” I said and Levi looked quizzically at me. I signaled to the right with my thumb “Y'all go this way and make sure that all the beds have covers and that there’s toilet paper in the bathrooms.” Of course I knew there was. Marisol was the best maid I had ever seen and she kept this museum of house ready to use at a moment’s notice. We split off and I peeked down my hall. It was quiet, but when I listened closer I heard voices. I walked oh so softly and found myself about a foot from the bathroom door.

“Look, it’s not that I’m ashamed-“ The deep voice was Reiner’s. He was cut off by a slightly higher and much more emotional than normal voice that I recognized as Bert.

“Oh, it looks like shame to me.” Ouch. This talk was always rough. I had it many, many times with Marco. It was almost a rite of passage tragically.

“Your parents don’t know either Bertie!” My heart melted at Reiner’s nickname, truly it was sickeningly adorable. But I was now curious on more levels. Bert’s parents were infamously cool. They, in fact, smoked weed with Sasha and Annie on several occasions. Grateful Dead loving hippies had given birth to the painfully shy Bert. Which stood in stark contrast to Reiner’s family, made up of a Senator and his trophy wife and children…plus to make it worse he was a Republican.

“So it’s about parents, now?” He asked and I heard a motion. They were scrambling a bit. Could Bert be turning away or fighting off a hug? Most likely.

“Look, just listen to me please baby…” A pained Reiner continued as his voice cooed as if calming a child. “If I get this football scholarship, I will.” I never thought about how much shit Reiner would have to endure for being gay. First his dad, now a group of rabid haze-heavy leather heads… it would be hell for him. “I love you so much. “ He said and paused. The words were spoken in that well placed way that really made them hit home. Reiner was always kind of an afterthought for me, like he was a bit further on the outskirts of my list of friends. Not as far as Bert and Annie of course but still, he wasn’t someone I worried about.

“I love you too.” Bert said begrudgingly and I could feel them making up.

“Please don’t ask me to risk college for you…” Reiner said as he sighed. “Because I’m dumb enough to do it. “ My eyes widened at the thought that Reiner could lose his father’s support because of this. How wrong was it that his entire life could be affected by his Dad not approving of who he kissed?! I knew that anger and struggle so well…because I shared it. “I will do anything in this world to keep us side by side. Right, wrong…” The sound of kissing slid to my ears and suddenly I realized how personal this moment was getting. “I’d hurt people, hurt myself, lie, and steal… just please don’t leave Bert….”

As Reiner’s words were separated by the wet soft sounds of kissing I opened the linen closet and pulled an arm full of blankets before evacuating the premise. Was everyone just cozying up and pairing off without me? I thought of Sasha and Connie warm and adoring by each other’s sides down stairs. Behind me was the tense and dramatic relationship of Reiner and Bert. A few doors over was Eren and Levi drowning in sexual tension and hanging on each other’s every words. Also downstairs was the low key relationship of Christa and Ymir which that was being paraded as mere best friends…

And I was alone.

I reached the stair way and laid my back against the wall. This was heavy for me. Being alone was something I never worried about before. And here I was in house full of people that was alive with this buzz of energy even as everyone was half asleep… I haven’t felt this lonely in a long, long time. It was oddly enough, I think, because now I had options. I had hope! I knew I was going to pursue someone eventually now that I had come to terms with Marco’s death. I wanted it so bad but it wasn’t like the epiphany of moving on had changed my nervous ways or the fact I hated myself.

I was still the fucked up mess of thoughts and insecurities that was Jean. I let my face fall into the soft blankets that were bundled carefully in my lap as I sat on the stairs and waited for Eren and Levi to return. I was okay with our friends gossiping about them, but I didn’t want to make the situation too rough on duo. You really forget how soft those cheesy printed blankets that come out at Christmas are. I mean polar bears or not, this thing on top was pretty damn cozy.

Footsteps made me turn my head to the hall. I expected Levi and Eren to emerge from blackness but there was no one. I turned and looked behind me thinking that maybe Reiner and Bert had wrapped things up, but still… no one. That’s when I looked straight ahead and nearly jumped out of my fucking skin at Armin who was right in front of me.

“Whoa, sorry!” He said lifting his hands the same way he did when he was telling Eren not to worry about him. “I didn’t mean to scare you.” He said as he sat beside me. “ I was just checking on those two…” He said looking around for his best friend. I pointed to the right fork of the halls. He nodded, getting my picture and sighed a bit. “With those two it’s either heaven or hell. Leave them alone and they are hugging or strangling each other.”

I couldn’t help but laugh because I could really see where he was coming from. Between Levi’s overthinking and Eren’s mindless determination and commitment I can see it being a circus of wills. “Hopefully they keep it at hugging. Someone’s already getting some hanky panky…” I pointed down my hall and Armin winced.

“Oh…so you know about Bert and Reiner?” He said and I nodded. Armin looked nervous as he picked at the hem on the bottom of his shirt. “Eren told me about you…” I must have shown my confusion brightly on my face because he continued. “You know, liking guys.” Armin looked terrified!

“Oh…” I said as I shrugged, playing it off as if it was no big deal. “Yeah I figured everyone had put two and two together about me and Marco.” I began fidgeting with the blankets. “Like they are doing with Ymir and Christa.” Armin once again looked surprised.

“So you know most of us are….gay?” He asked quizzically and I looked at him seriously.

“Are you gay?” I asked, faking being unaware. I kind of regretted it because of how uncomfortable Armin looked. His blush was adorable. “You don’t have to answer that, it was dumb of me to ask, I’m sorry..” I said trying to smooth the awkward over.

Armin forced a smile as he spoke “No, its okay. And yes. I am.” He looked down and I felt our friendship break. Not in a bad or malicious way, but territory had been stepped into that we could never return from. It was slightly awkward, buzzing with an electric air and we both caught each other with sideways glances. It was both tense and intense in this subtle way that only people who have wished they could will their friend’s lips closer to their own would understand.

I wanted Armin. Now it was official, I was feeling my body angle closer to him with this crazy rearranging of orbits that made me crave to feel the heat off of his skin. I was hooked, addicted, on board… whatever you call it, I fucking wanted the boy so bad I could taste it. I wanted to be sexy, mysterious or even forceful… but do you know what my stupid ass did? I held my hand up for a high five saying “Go us!”

At least Armin laughed and returned the dorky gesture. He had a humble way of looking down as he smiled that gave it this extra layer of softness and made me feel like he was too shy to look at me and that he was flirting. Deep down I knew Armin was just shy period. I had to get out of here before I messed this up even more!

“Wanna go sneak a peek and see what’s going on?” I asked as I tilted my head and Armin’s eyes widened. Damn they were a gorgeous shade of blue. He shook his head as he leaned back, away from me.

“Oh, come on! You know you’re curious.” I said folding my arms. I was smirking, enjoying Armin’s reactions. “Besides, how can you check on him if you don’t do just a bit of snooping?” I asked holding my fore finger and thumb just a bit apart, showing him just how small the snooping would be. “Isn’t being nosy to make sure your friend is okay like in the best friend bible or something?” I asked and Armin’s shoulders caved a little.

He ran a hand over the side of his head, pulling the hair behind his ear with a cautious smile. “Well…” He said as he stood up. “Your right… How can I check on Eren without just a bit of peeking?” Armin was smirking now with a dusting of mischief cast over the curves and slopes of his heart shaped face. I rolled the blankets off of my lap and set them on the landing of the stairs as we stood. I was pretty tall compared to Armin. Still, he looked pretty good from the angle I saw him at. Those crystal eyes cast upwards just a bit as he strained to make up for the height difference. I bet he’d have to tiptoe to kiss me…

I swallowed and turned to lead the way as Armin followed closely behind. It had to be his heat that I felt pooling to my side. He seemed so warm and gentle and soft… Damn it Jean, focus! I led the way as we meandered through the darkened halls with doors on either side. They were all open, with the lamp on the night stand on. We passed three and were almost at the end of the hall when I heard voices once more and we went into extra silent creep mode. I felt a hand reach out and grab my arm and looked over to see Armin, eyes a light and dancing with suspense and possibly guilt. I laid my hand over his and looked into those eyes. Damn we were close… His hand squeezed a little before softening its grip.

I nodded in a very encouraging way and he dropped his hand. I mean, I really wanted it to stay on my arm but since it was a sign he was less nervous, I was okay with the loss. We stepped forward and could see that across the hall and diagonal from us was the pair of dark haired lovers. They were sitting on the bed beside each other.

Levi’s back was straight and reclined as he leaned on his hands and Eren was slightly slumped over and looking anxious. Eren peered at his hands and played with his fingers. I remembered his hand being bandaged for almost two solid months because he burned it trying to save his mom. Ever since then he stares and picks at it. I always got annoyed thinking it was over dramatic and cliché, but now I realize there is more to Eren than meets the eye.

“So, what did you want to talk about?” Eren asked and Levi grew stiffer, if that was possible. Eren looked over to him and turned a bit, trying to get closer. I totally knew how he felt, Armin was the center of my orbit like that.

Levi stood up and ran a hand through Eren’s hair as he trailed his fingers from the brown locks down the center of Eren’s face, over his nose….down his lips and to his chin, which he turned up towards him. “You’ve made it very clear that I can’t get rid of you….” He said and I mentally flinched. This guy was cold as ice sometimes. However, I was floored when he knelt and brought himself pretty much face to face with Eren. “Now let me make it clear that I never want to.”

Me and Armin looked to each other, faces showing full blown shock. Levi’s voice called our attention back to the pair who were lit dimly as if in a spotlight. “I want you to be mine.” He said and I saw Eren’s face nearly blank with shock. I wasn’t expecting this either! Did my talk with him change his mind that much? I was feeling pretty smug and like a cupid that hit the bull’s eye as Levi brought his other hand to run through Eren’s hair and cup the back of his neck while still holding his chin. “Would you like that?” Levi asked, a rich and darkened tone to his voice that was an intriguing as it was terrifying.

Eren looked up, his eyes wide and shining as he smiled saying “Yes, sir!” I remembered the supposed joke Levi made about calling him Sir. That was…kinky. I was further surprised by how Eren pressed their foreheads together and spoke softly. “Can I get that first kiss now?” he asked and Levi smiled. Levi’s smile was wide and earnest and he had these small crinkles at the corners of his eyes that betrayed both his age and his joy. The guy should really smile more.

Armin’s hand was at my arm and I grabbed it, squeezing it a bit as the moment built and tension rolled. Levi sat for a second as he smiled at the boy moved to be holding Levi’s face as well. Levi got this shit eating grin and laughed as he said “What’s the magic word?” He looked down a bit at Eren’s lips. Levi’s desire was obvious, as well as the fact that Eren made him happy… why was he stalling with intimacy?

“Fuck you.” Eren said and slammed his lips against Levi with such force they toppled backwards onto the floor. Eren was on top of Levi, his hands on either side of the older man’s face as he worked his lips in frenzy over the man’s own. I looked to Armin who was smiling and fist pumping the air. I smiled too! This was great, Eren was finally getting his first kiss! He didn’t know it, but he had a mini cheering section!

That’s when Levi’s arms clamped around Eren and with the strength and grace that only Levi could muster, they rolled and Levi was over him with this crazy combination of happy and some deep seeded hungry look I knew was intense desire. He smiled and pulled away from the kiss “You little brat.” Was all he said before kissing him again, this time lightening up and running hands through his hair and over his jaw. “Don’t get too greedy, let’s take it slow …” he said and leaned closer whispering in a tone I could barely here. “I want to show you how good kissing is, I want you to savor it….before we move on.”

My ears burned red and I’m pretty sure my face was on fire. Levi was talking about sex! Sure enough, he returned to kissing and I saw him work his lips over in a soft rhythm before he supported Eren’s head and a yelp from Eren revealed what I suspected; tongue. Armin tugged on my hand and I realized three things;

One, I had somehow become and an expert eaves dropper slash peeping tom over the course of the night.

Two, Eren had one kinky son of a bitch as his new boyfriend and it was time to give them some privacy.

And three, I was holding hands with Armin. He pulled me along through the hallway and on the landing we met Reiner and Bert. Two pairs of high school boys stood in the dark, caught red handed and holding hands. My eyes shot to Reiner’s fist which held Bert’s hand, and his shot to mine which held Armin’s. Me and Armin looked to each other with scared eyes and Armin said “No, Reiner, it’s not what it looks like-“

And before he could explain Bert tried to pull Reiner down the stairs saying “Don’t worry about it…” He tripped over the mass of blankets that I had carelessly abandoned and with a thunderous and shockingly slow motion blur, he began to fall down the stairs. Crash after crash ignited the air and there was sick crunch as he hit the floor and I saw him gripping his shin and rolling as he moaned.

So I had gotten caught holding my non boyfriends hand in the dark and it somehow had caused my friend to break his leg. Minutes later we were loading Bert into my car on the way to the E.R hoping to God it wasn’t too serious of an injury.

 


	11. Dude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bert's injury is handled, Armin catches the giggles and Levi gets mostly naked (again).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> I am so sorry this took so long. Life has been majorly hectic, but it should settle down in two weeks or so.

The hospital let Reiner go back with Bert, which meant that me and Armin were stuck in the lobby. At least some late night rerun of The Ellen show was on. The drive to the hospital had been not what I was expecting at all, to be honest. Bert winced and breathed heavy but the guy was taking it like a champ and he even took a selfie and a few snapchats on the way. Armin was texting everyone to keep the others in the loop and soothing a very angry Reiner.

Turns out he did not appreciate my fuck up leading to rushing his boyfriend to the hospital in the small hours of the morning. I couldn’t really blame him. I was feeling incredibly bad about it myself. I always looked at Reiner as a kind and open sort of guy, the classic all American muscle, you know? But the seething, hulking homosexual in the backseat that I’m pretty sure was plotting my death had shattered my perception of him. He kept it together and carried Bert bridal style through the automatic glass doors and was hell bent on staying at his side. I was impressed by how pure his affections seemed.

So it was four in the morning and me and Armin were sitting in these squeaky vinyl seats in the hospital while some guy I’m pretty sure was homeless and just wanted a place to sleep dozed on three chairs put together. Armin sighed and lifted his knees up to where he was sitting in the fetal position. I looked over and saw dark circles under his eyes. Part of my anxiety was this kind of obsessive nature that made nights without sleep not too rare of a thing. I saw the way his blinks got further and further apart as he starred into the abyss of cheap tile flooring.

I got up and walked over to the vending machines and before Armin knew it, I was coming back with two cups of coffee and some candy bars. I handed him the cup and he looked genuinely surprised as he took it. People never really noticed Armin. I know I didn’t…. It wasn’t that he didn’t stand out, it’s just he was always surrounded by these bonfires of personalities that he kind of got pushed into the background a bit. His disheveled honey hair fell nearly to his shoulders as he sat in a grey sleeveless shirt and green gym shorts. “T-thanks Jean.” He said and the tone of surprise in his voice at my kindness made me feel like I had somehow been a huge douchebag to him without even knowing it.

I lifted an eyebrow as I looked down at him and sighed. He was so different from me in almost every way, it made me hyper aware of how messed up I was. It’s a terrible thing to like someone and want to be around them but to know deep down that you’re not worth them, that in the end you’d just taint and hurt them. “No worries-“I began as I sat down next to him holding out a handful of sweets “Snickers, Reese’s or Payday?” I asked and his eyes danced across the diabetes buffet before selecting the payday. Go figure, he’d pick the healthiest one. I set the Reese’s on the table along with my coffee and pulled open the snickers. I saw Armin look to the snickers then to me and he let this wheeze of a laugh out before clamping his hand over his mouth. I looked at him with every ounce of confusion I felt showing on my face. “What?”

His eyes had been forced shut from laughter and he let another smothered laugh as he shook his head and took a breath. “That’s why your being so off tonight….” He said and reached out tapping my snickers wrapper and in a deep voice that mocked the commercial said “You’re not you when you’re hungry!” He then busted out laughing, tossing his head back and kicking his feet a little adding a childish effect that made my chest feel like it was being squeezed. I blinked for a second as the incredibly lame joke settled and I felt my mouth perk at the corners. Armin was so cheesy! The fact the joke wasn’t that funny and he was laughing so hard made a chuckle rise out of me. Then add on the fact that I laughed made Armin laugh and it became a vicious cycle. There is times when it’s late, you’ve been awake for far too long and some small thing, only a fraction humorous, makes you erupt into obnoxious and side splitting laughter. A solid three minutes slid by and my sides ached but Armin took the worse of it and had a literal tear sliding down his face.

I couldn’t breathe right and I was bent over a little in my chair as I grabbed at my gut shaking my head in silent pleading for both of us to just shut the fuck up. We had almost managed it too. Armin glanced sideways over at me, the dark circles under his lightened a bit by either laughter or tears, and he bit his bottom lip as it shivered from restraint. I felt overwhelmingly fond of the boy. Not just curious, not just intrigued or into him. The air around us felt heavy with some kind of physical manifestation of affection or something. I was lost in the way his tear soaked eyes shined as the light hit them. But that small wheeze of him swallowing a laugh leaked out like a deflating balloon and I lost it all over again.

The moment came and slid over us softly and we savored the laughs and the ridiculous yet innocent feeling of laughing at something so silly was almost purifying in a way. It was refreshing to just be so simple and enjoy one another like that. I sighed as I took a bite and looked Armin in eye and he mimicked me a bit, biting his own payday and that’s when I saw all joy and mischief pulled from Armin’s face. Armin’s eyes were locked onto the old man who had been woken up by our laughter.

The man was filthy, bearded and small. He looked like he smelled like the color brown. I wouldn’t have given him a second glance but I could tell Armin felt bad about waking him. The old man didn’t gripe or complain. He wasn’t doing much of anything really. Looking pretty lifeless and hollow and just staring into the floor seemed to be more his style. Armin grabbed the extra candy bar and stood up before sitting by the man and looking to him.

“I’m sorry we woke you up, sir.” He said and I saw the old man look to him skeptically. Hell, I didn’t even know what Armin was up to! It was not usual at all to go up to strangers like that! “Here, we aren’t going to eat this. We will be quieter now…” Armin said as he set the Reese’s cups in the man’s lap and waltzed across the lobby like it was completely logical and an everyday practice to feed strange men in waiting rooms. He sat down and lifted up his coffee and sipped from it as the old man opened his packet and began to eat.

Armin was so kind it made some inner part of me melt and sting at the same time. Why hadn’t I thought of the man? I remembered my mother saying “Hurt people, hurt people….but wounded people are first to bandage someone else up.” I thought of myself and Eren, two reckless people barking around and taking our anger and fear out on anything we could. There was always that person that came around and bandaged us up. Connie and Marco led much more difficult lives than me and were the first to ask if I was okay. Mikasa and Armin seemed to do the same for Eren. Maybe the friends that ask if we are okay are really the friends that are in the most pain…? They hurt all the time so they are more aware of other people’s pain.

I remembered the way they talked about Armin’s home life and I felt this heavy heat hit my chest. What had the boy been through? He was hyper aware of others, desperate to not be a bother or burden and was always the first to offer help. To me Armin deserved nothing less than to be treated with the same respect. While no one’s perfect there are people who are precious. The way Armin handled people and this softness that he seemed to have about himself was incredibly endearing and intoxicating.

Within three hours Bert emerged with a cast and crutches as Reiner helped steady him. Something looked kind of off about the angle of the crutches and I noticed they had an extra piece added in and it gave a bit of a Frankenstein look to the things. Reiner sighed, clearly exhausted as Bert lifted a crutch into the air and waved it declaring “I’m too tall guys, they had to add an extra three inches to it.” He said and Reiner calmly lowered the crutch and Bert tried to throw an arm around Reiner, dropping said crutch. “And they gave me a shot in my ass. Good stuff though!” And judging from the half closed eyelids and the way Bert slurred, I would sure as hell say they gave him good stuff. I leaned over and picked the crutch up and handed it back to Bert who nodded in my general direction before trying to lean in to kiss Reiner.

The way Reiner stiffened and blushed made me guess affection in public was new to him. People don’t really get that when you’re gay or otherwise in a relationship that offends people it feels really fucking weird to do ‘couple things’ in public. Armin was back at his phone, no doubt telling everyone else we were on the way back to my house soon. The air was muggy and thick with pre morning dew and of course the gangly and very much stoned Bert was about as graceful as a giraffe on prosthetics. At one point he stopped and pouted like a five year old saying it hurt and he wasn’t going to walk anymore. To which Reiner replied by turning his back and crouching while me and Armin helped Bert hang off his boyfriend like a sloth. So there four sleepless homosexuals meandered through a foggy parking lot at sunrise. It was cinematic and utterly insane but it made me really feel closer to these three.

My house was dead quiet as he trekked in, Bert asleep in Reiner’s arms. Greeting us in the kitchen with two cups of coffee was a startling sight. Two black headed, bored faced Eren obsessed Ackerman’s. How could I have not seen how similar they were before this? Maybe I just needed sleep. Mikasa stood up and walked over to us as she spoke “There’s an empty bedroom up stairs for you two and I will sleep with Eren. Levi can sleep on the couch. So Armin you’re across from Reiner.”

Did she really have all the sleeping arrangements planned out and just was taking charge so we could come in and pass out? Bless her! I saw Armin shift his eyes guiltily as he looked down. He didn’t want to kick anyone out of a bed. Reiner was already headed up stairs shuffling much like a zombie. I’d have to say he probably had one of the roughest nights of all of us.

“Someone can sleep in the couch in my room.” I offered and Levi leaned over and looked at me with that expression that was either his resting bitch face or disapproval. Armin looked up at me too. Mikasa however, looked away, her fingertips going softly to her lips. A beat of awkward passed through the air as we all stood for a second.

“I’ll sleep in your room.” Levi said, as cold as ever as he started up the stairs. I don’t know if we all took that a cue to scatter or if we were all just that fucking tired but either way we split apart like the Trost Titans after a huddle and all marched up the stairs after Levi. We all nodded and said our good nights but I was surprised as soon as I turned into my room to see the door shut and a very creepy calm Levi leaning against it. He was picking at his nails as he turned his gaze up at me saying “You are one of the dumbest smart guys I have ever met Jean.”

I furrowed my brows as my stomach dropped. Was this Levi for ‘we have to talk?’ “Never said the sense I had was the common kind…” I said as I flopped backwards onto my bed trying not to seem like I cared. Levi peeled himself from the wall as he walked over to my closet casually and began seeking out some kind of clothes and I didn’t even question him.

“You’re coming on too strong.” He said as he made his way to my dresser. I sat up and tossed my hands up in a general sign for ‘what the actual fuck’ as I made a sound that dramatically conveyed my clear offense taken at that statement.

“Coming from Captain Dry Hump over there that means a hell of a lot, buddy!” I said as I watched his face lock up to show he was either ready to back hand me or laugh. I was either brave or stupid because I didn’t back pedal or apologize even though I kind of felt like I was looking a wild animal in the face. He was so confident and sure of himself as he moved it was off putting.

“Well _Captain Dry Hump_ over here is a grown man with a lot of experience in this type of thing.” He said pulling gym shorts out of my dresser and sliding his shirt off before folding it as he continued to speak. “Armin has been through a lot recently.” I was curious now. So of course I did what I normally do, hold nothing back and just throw it out there.

“Everyone keeps saying that!” I said as I groaned, taking my own shirt off and feeling a tug of self-loathing at my gut. Levi was ripped and had a literal eight pack. Me? My pasty little narrow body looked like a kids but with more piercings. “When will someone just fucking tell me?!” I said throwing my shirt in the general direction of the laundry basket.

“Him and Erwin, the owner of Wings of Freedom, fucked for six months all the time he had Armin convinced he would leave his wife.” Levi said starring at the floor darkly. I was floored myself as I felt my body lock into place with disbelief. I was slack jawed and wide eyed and Levi looked up with his eyes betraying his burden. “Hanji, Erwin and I served together with Petra and Mike in the Army. Erwin and his marriage haven’t been the same since…” He said down on the edge of the bed, his normally well-groomed hair falling over his eyes. “Stella left him over money. He shacked up with Armin, vowing divorce and saying he hated her but when she came crawling back-“Levi shrugged. “It was bad.”

Levi seemed to lock his emotions back up as he began to pull off and fold his pants. The fact I had my rivals boyfriend of a male stripper in nothing but under ware in my bedroom wasn’t even in the fore front of my mind, I was more picturing Armin and how he must have felt…

“To top it off his grandmother is a real cunt.” Levi added and walked over to the couch. “She’s a religious fanatic and is onto the fact Armin’s different. His grandfather was enough to hold her back but he had a stroke a few months ago and now he’s not the same and she’s swooping in on the poor kid…” I figured that it was something like that when Eren and Mikasa skirted around his home life earlier. “Hanji has really been there with him through these gender identity issues and she’s helped him find himself a bit. Kind of made her own transition worth it she said.”

“Whoa- what?” I said, already over loaded on information. Hanji, the announcer and shot girl from Wings of Freedom was having gender issues?

“Zoe Hanji was born Zack Hanji. “ Levi said as if shocked I didn’t know. “She was my right hand man in Afghanistan. When we got stateside he had his hormone therapy and made the change. It saved her life, to be honest.”

I cupped my face in my hands and just took a deep breath. This was all too much. My weird group of friends was complicated enough, now I had one boss dating my friend, one was a bisexual heart breaker who slept with my crush and the other was a transsexual veteran? Were there no normal people left?

Levi took a breath before continuing. “Moral of the story here; let Armin come to you. Romance the hell out of the kid. He deserves it…”

I looked up and felt my face twist a bit as I rolled my eyes “Because I totally am a Casanova-” Levi snapped his fingers and I shut up. He made a zipping sound and trailed his finger over his lips.

“I’ll walk you through it. Armin isn’t the only one who deserves this to be done right. You’re not terrible yourself and I do owe you for helping me out. Plus the sooner everyone moves on from the Erwin fiasco then the bar can go back to normal.”

“R-really, dude?” I said, touched. Why would Levi help a ratty punk ass kid like me out? It felt really good to feel that he cared. It was like a big brother or something was sitting here and helping me get my shit together.

“Really…” Levi said and smirked “Dude.”

 


End file.
